Catharsis

individuals

2009-09-26T18:27:00.000-07:00

People mean a lot to me. No, let me narrow that down. Individuals. When I meet someone I like, when I meet someone I admire, when I meet people I instantly connect with--those people mean a lot to me. They make me happy. I instantly fall in love with them, I want to tell them everything about myself, I want to find all the reasons why they are so much like me and why we can talk on and on even though I just met them 5 minutes ago. And I don’t really know why.
I measure people up when I meet them and I decide how I should act (crazy or conservative? both are parts of me), and when I can be myself (both wild and calm, and everything in between) I’m pretty sure you can catch me glowing. Radioactively glowing.
I am so excited to know people and to meet them all the time, and when it happens and I meet someone and I’m excited to see them again, that is when my life is perfect.

I’m pretty sure this post sounds lame and I’m sorry for the limited words and vocabulary I’m using, but I prefer to capture the moment in all its beauty and perfection.

Budget Cuts

2009-07-22T22:06:00.000-07:00

I know everyone's sick of hearing about budget cuts at school- "We can't do this because of budget cuts...Budget cuts this year mean we have to cancel this class...The budget cuts make it impossible to fund this..."
So I'm pretty much tired of hearing about anything to do with budget cuts, unless it involves releasing around 22,000 convicts (mostly L.A.) from prison much earlier than they should be released.
Arnold Schwarzenegger said he's been doing everything he can- which is, obviously, nothing- to make the most practical cuts and to do what's best, but...is releasing a bunch of convicts early from jail the best and smartest thing to do?
Look at it like this: Most of the convicts are from Los Angeles. So they're released earlier than what their sentence actually is, which means they'll most probably get back to LA and start robbing banks and vandalizing property and whatever else they did to get jailed for. LA Police take pride in the fact that they are the most efficient in catching criminals and that they catch the most in the least amount of time. So we're still safe right?
Well, not really...since Gov Schwarzenegger's brilliant idea of laying off police will obviously have an impact. And the fact that all 22,000 convicts will be released in a short amount of time doesn't help much either, does it?
Yeah, I didn't think so.

7.16.2009

2009-07-18T19:46:00.000-07:00

i waited for 3 months.
i set my hopes on seeing adam lambert with my own eyes
and the day came
and the concert started
and adam lambert came out and sang.
and danced.
and took off his jacket.
jazmin and i screamed ourselves hoarse
we danced our way to embarrassment
and then,
one of my favorite songs,
Starlight by Muse.
i thought nothing was better than the original
and adam surpassed it by at least 10 times.
and at that moment--as he sang about our hopes and expectations,
black holes and revelations, as the disco ball lit up the stadium, bathed in sliver and blue light-- i knew.
it was the best moment of my life.
rocking out with adam, the music so loud the floor, the chair, the air, shook, and i knew.
some memories stay forever, some fade.
and as i think back, and the music isn't as loud, and the light isn't as bright--
all i can think-- best night of my life, best night of my life, best night of my life.
pure bliss.

stubborn.

2009-07-13T18:21:00.000-07:00

If I can't have you/
I don't want nobody baby

skeletons in your closet--hail to toledo

2009-07-10T21:25:00.000-07:00

walking down the road,
thinking of you,
walking down the road,
it hurts but it feels good.

i want stabbing pains and fiery rains,
i want you and for you to be in my arms,
once before i unlock your door,
this is you and this is me,
see me, don't you see...

there are skeletons in your closet
here's where i kissed you
here's where you left
the place where we met
and my shadow still follows

there are skeletons in your closet
drowning in the rain
couldn't open the door, you shut it quick
you shut it fast
on my fingers
drowning in the rain

i still see you somedays
drowning in the rain

i'm here but you never are
i saw where you held him
i saw where you kissed him
i saw what you never wanted me to see
when i opened your door

there are skeletons in your closet
here's where i kissed you
here's where you left
the place where we met
and my shadow still follows

drowning in the rain.

one two three four

2009-07-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

tell me that you love me more.
chances, chances, chances. it's a crime to be given so many and not take one.
am i insecure? god, i hope not.
you are so anticlimactic. you've given me so many chances to figure you out, and i blindly walked into your arms.
today, i think i figured you out for good. i'll say it again. you are so anticlimactic.
and it bothers me.
and it hurts me.
and it scares me.
one, two, three, four.
i still want you.
tell me that you love me more. even though you don't and never will mean it, because i am and will always be blind to your sarcasm.

i chase sunsets.

2009-07-03T22:20:00.001-07:00

i feel like i am chasing the sunset,
desperately trying to grab hopes and dreams.
but at the end of the day, when the sun sets,
when i've chased it all the way to the beach and stand staring at the horizon,
i am no more closer to it than when i saw it outside the bathroom window.
after running for an hour on the treadmill, i am still in the living room, staring at the TV, sweat dripping down my neck.
my hands are outstretched, blind, grabbing at what i can never have.

that sunset on Monday-- watching the clouds turn from white to pink to orange to black--reminded me of what i've been chasing endlessly. i chase sunsets. i chase my dreams and hope that one day, the sun will freeze when the sky is on fire.
and i'll be able to take the perfect picture.

not exactly a psychedelic experience.

2009-06-27T22:23:00.000-07:00

2 days after getting my grades, 15 days into summer, 19 days before the American Idol Concert, and after 16 years of being Kimberly Renée Ngai, I had more of a realization than a psychedelic experience. But it was close enough.
I know who I am. I always know who I am. And I will and say this: who I was before was not how I want, or wanted to be. I always needed someone to know everything was going to be okay, I always needed someone to say I was doing the right thing, regardless of the circumstances. I always needed someone to talk to, someone to rant and complain with. And I wanted to feel accepted, feel like I was part of something. I think I wanted to be someone else, because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I took criticism too seriously, and let everything get to me. So for a while, I was fighting with myself and tried to find someone I could be friends with--someone who would unconditionally love me. I don't know what kind of fairy world I was living in. And what I hated most about it--I don't think I was that kind of friend either. I was too wrapped up with myself to be the person I desperately wanted from someone else.
And I think that was my mistake. I spent my life looking for someone who I could talk to forever, for someone who would always care and love me. That is not to say I didn't have caring friends. My friends--well, two or three good friends-- were always there for me. But I always wanted more, and that was my biggest mistake.
My biggest regret is that I never thought of, for even an instant, that I myself could be the person I wanted so badly. Why do we need other people? I know it's part of the human character, but as of now--as of around 9:30pm at Target in the contact solution aisle-- I believe in myself. I depend on myself-- and only myself. I am tired of people telling me and thinking you can't do this, she'll fail that, she's not capable, there's no point in trying.
I will go ahead in life at full speed. I have a plan and I intend to carry it out. I know what I am going to do, and nothing anyone can ever say about me will hurt me or slow me down.
1 week ago, the Rolling Stone magazine featured an Adam Lambert article-- The Liberation of Adam Lambert.
And I truly feel liberated.

sweet misery

2009-06-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

After one day of doing absolutely nothing except for clean my room, eat, sit around outside, listen to KIIS Fm nonstop for at least 12 hours, and watch the NBA finals (ongoing), I'm bored.
Really.
There is absolutely nothing to do when you're grounded during the summer. Why am I grounded, you might ask? Well that is sweet misery.
I got a C in Pre-Calculus Honors.

I am so screwed over.
I mean, it's not even a B. It's a C. I know, I know, people will read this and think I'm an AP Freak, but really, right now, I don't even care. I cannot believe I messed up my entire college career. My entire UC future, if you want to be specific. I am so frustrated with myself, and at the same time, I'm just relieved that all of this is over and that I can try harder next year. There is one thing I'm not going to let myself think, though. I am not going to get into that mentality that grades don't matter. I will not let myself start to think it's not just about the college you go to, because even if it's not, if I don't have any motiviation, if I don't have a drive, or a goal, or a reason, this will be the first and definately not the last C on my transcrpit. And I can't let that happen.

So about this boring summer...if school was still in, I would be panicking and trying to finish all my homework because I would have obviously left it to the last few hours of Sunday. But I'm happily letting my melted cherry popsicle drip onto the napkin and leaving my hands with that sticky feeling, because, believe it or not, it's summer. Shiny, bright, warm, sticky, summer.

I would worship the summer if it didn't end so quickly every year.

hello again

2009-06-14T14:54:00.000-07:00

2 days into summer and the sun finally decides to shine. what a terrible school year it was. i don't have much planned for this summer, but it beats going to Pre-Cal Honors every day.
i really want to talk about how the year went, but honestly, nothing really happened. made some friends, lost some, got more weird looks, sighed a lot, rolled my eyes...and skipped out on too much sleep.

so--this summer-- run, swim, work, volunteer, eat, sleep.

sounds good to me. not much brain power involved, but i don't mind getting brain freeze for three months. in fact, i'm welcoming it with open arms.

i need to write something else, but i have time. to wait and think and plan my words carefully, all while watching TV, listening to The Killers, and eating a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. slowly churned, of course.

ah yes, this is summer. no school, no stress.

black and gold

2009-04-24T09:08:00.000-07:00

i kissed the moon and the stars,
flew above the clouds and cried myself to sleep.
i had cake for breakfast, chocolate with whipped cream.
i didn't wash my hands so my fingers could hang onto the monkey bars longer than anyone else.

subzero

2009-04-10T19:31:00.000-07:00

I want to go to UCB, I want to got to UCLA, Stanford, Harvard. I always wanted to go, and dreams of accomplishment always consisted of one of those colleges, me unpacking in my dorm, me eating in the cafeteria, me studying in the Hogwarts-y libraries. And it's always snowing outside, it has to be snowing.
But my view has changed, a complete 180 degree turn, my college choice and dream is so different now that it puts Harvard and UCB a category below.
Five people know. I shouldn't have told three of them though.
They're too quick to judge, those three. I've known them the longest though. At least 6 years. But I shouldn't have told them.
I'm scared to tell people where I want to spend 4 years studying. I know what they're thinking.
she'll never make it there.
I see what they're lips are forming, what they are saying to me.
Oh my God, you want to go there? Wow! You'll totally make it!
I hate them. I hate all of them. Because they all have two faces, they all smile at my decision and smirk on the inside.
I'm afraid I'll tell someone and then not make it. Fail the admissions test. Not get a nomination. And let that smirk they're wearing on the inside become a laugh.
I want to be disciplined. I know how far I can fall if I can do whatever I want. So I made my decision, I know where I want to go, UCLA is nice, Stanford is nice, Harvard is beautiful.
But where I want to go, it's me.

because i have to

2009-04-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

i always try to keep the same template on my blog, the same theme on my phone, the same status message on gchat.
it never works. it never, ever does.
sorry. sorry i always change my personality, sorry i hate it and then claim it's the best thing ever.
i can never stand myself, i can never stand the same thing, over and over. i want to be different but somehow it always comes out twisted.
i want you to like me because i am human. i want you to approve of what i do because i want to know, because i need to know.
i have to.

This, Catharsis

2009-03-16T20:24:00.000-07:00

Once before, I’m sorry.
Only a million times after,
Why can’t you see? I am apologizing.
We look for what is attainable, dream and long
for what is
Not.
And there’s you, and me,
And all of these people.
I can’t keep my eyes off you, my hands
Shaking. If you were coming in the Summer,
I’d brush by
Fall. Gold leaves. Orange leaves.
Fall leaves, sway, swing,
bleed on the ground.
I never look to you to solve my problems,
The problems I create.
I crash, you crash, shades of yellow, and feel me, touch me.
Play the music, vibrate, the floor, my chest. I am crying, the music is crying, crying on the inside. I am.
Who do you think I am? Who can I be? What
Will I be? Make a memory, make a memory, make
A memory.
Sweat and tears, it’s all the same.
I suffer to feel, my regret, not your pain, mine.
My pain. Twirling,
Twirling and waving like
Flags, mixed up in the wash, bleeding colors. My
Pain.
And all I want you to say
All I ever wanted to hear, to wish, to dream, from you,
I don’t ask for much.
And to have the world spin, when mine stops,
When mine freezes, control alt delete.
To have you say it so I could feel it with my hands and
Have the guilt wash over my face— to see it in my tears, in the
Heavy heavy part of my chest where the tears
Start.
Have you say, hear you say,
I can never love you. After what you did.
Especially
After what you
did.
Once before, only a million times
After.

happy belated.

2009-02-17T19:22:00.001-08:00

It was eighth grade when I thought I fell in love. There was a day when we were telling each other about ourselves, our likes and dislikes, when we realized we both knew that the strips of wax for braces never helped and it was more fun to chew. That you were so perverted and that I could be equally so, just for you. I was never nervous around you, I used to punch your left leg so hard if you annoyed me that it would go numb for a second. I took pride in knowing that I could be friends with a jock. That was your label, already.
There was a time when we were laughing at the girl who sat on the other side of you, our eyes met, and I quickly looked away. We could never be together, you, already a baseball and basketball star, white, friends with the pretty girls who claimed the best table in the lunch area. And me, the epitome of the geeky asian girl.
I’ve been writing this blog for a long time in my head. Somehow I can only get this far and then my mom will call me to dinner or a teacher will ask me a question in class. Something always stops me from writing more, from thinking more about you.
I loved you 3 weeks into 8th grade. The first day of school I was too shy to even look at you. The last day, I was too shy to look at you with your friends, but it didn’t matter anyway, because you would have been too embarrassed to look at me with all of your friends watching, your arms wrapped around some girl with no brains. What I would have given for it to have been me.
I stopped smiling when I would hear your name long ago. I’ve stopped thinking about what could have been. But only yesterday did I stop hoping. Seeing you dance with Laura never stopped me from wishing, watching you make out with Sandy or Alli or Jane or whatever her name was for 2 years by the science halls never stopped me from thinking, “maybe”. That was your life, this was mine, if destiny wanted to be nice, she could have easily intertwined them together.
I hadn’t said your name out loud for at least two years. I forgot what it sounded like, the quirkiness, forgot to stop the river of memories it brought back. But for the first time in a long, long time, I didn’t sigh after I said it, out loud or in my head.
So it’s over?
That question I asked after a long plane ride, after a boring football game, after the 8th grade grad dance, after I hugged you goodbye on one chilly evening before you and your girlfriend went to a middle school grad party. The answer is always the same.
Yes.
Yes, it’s over.
The time I hugged you was the last time I touched you. The dress I was wearing that night is still hanging in my closet, heavy with tears and the smell of your body when your arms were around me tight, and I thought I was in love.
I was in eighth grade and I thought I was in love.

open

2009-01-04T21:08:00.000-08:00

how long can i leave my eyes open
to remember everything.
leave my senses open
remember the smell of louisiana, the mixing of a steamy swamp and clean laundry,
the feel of cotton candy stuck to skin,
french pastries, gumbo, wild rice.

so i bite my lip
and try to keep my eyes open
one more second,
one more memory.

and what a shame that is.

2009-01-02T18:32:00.000-08:00

"I was thinking how nothing lasts, and what a shame that is."
You were right, Benjamin Button.

Isn't is funny how we never imagine the end, but spend forever thinking about the beginning?
How I only thought of the plane ride to New Orleans but refused to think any further?
Two more days-- Saturday, then Sunday-- and I'll be taking the plane ride home on Monday.
It was so easy to imagine myself coming here. I was so excited, thinking of all the things I would do. Eat, shop, sleep.
But never the end. 20 days in New Orleans and never did I imagine what the end would be like. It was so far away, 15 days left, 10, a week left-- it was still forever-- but now, 2 days left.
It's a crime.
I've never had Christmas Break pass by so quickly. Am I burned out? Done with school? I'm getting there. I'm already starting to hope my plane will get delayed overnight.
My fingers are crossed.
and what a shame that is.

2009-01-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

Anderson Cooper is one of the better looking journalists out there. and he's quite a journalist. since he joined CNN in 2001, he's won 3 emmy awards for his broadcasting. he accurately gives the news, asks questions, and demands answers. Anderson Cooper, a Yale graduate, son of Gloria Vanderbilt, is one of the most highly acclaimed broadcasters. and i happen to share the opinion that he's one of the better looking broadcasters.
so when i found out, no less than 2 hours ago, that he's gay, i laughed.
my dad knew what i was googling (is anderson cooper gay?) and told me to stop making fun of people when he heard me laughing.
but i wasn't making fun of him. i was laughing because the word "finally" was running through my head.
finally. i have an answer.
when i hear people say-- about anyone-- "Ewww, he's gay? That's so gross." I have someone who I love--because of his merit and passion-- to support my thoughts, "Why's that gross? Why is being gay gross? You know who's gay? Anderson Cooper is gay. And I can't find anything about him that is gross."
Now, don't give me the BS that Cooper is one of the exceptions to all the "gross/immoral/unethical-gays" out there. I'm sure there are gays that are "immoral". And I'm sure there are straights that are even more "immoral".
I can no more say that Anderson Cooper is gross because he's gay than tell my friend she's stupid because she doesn't share my opinion that Americans shoud live on mushroom omelets.
I don't find it wrong that people have their opinions. I have mine about gays, and I understand why people would have a different opinion about them. There's nothing wrong with that.
But when people try to impose their opinions on others--that's what is wrong.
---
I'm over the passing of Prop 8. It's the side comments from others that get on my nerves.

rewind.play.repeat.pause.fast forward.please.

2008-12-31T15:25:00.001-08:00

again?
the last day of the year, again? i didn't think 365 days of absolutely nothing could pass by so fast.
rewind.
i still don't see anything. it's still a blur.
where's the focus button?
not here. not in my life. if it's a blur, it will stay a blur. no focus button needed.
play.
alarm clock ringing, car engine running, students talking--too loud--teacher screaming, stomach grumbling, lunch bag crackling, teacher glaring, stomach grumbling, teacher glaring, eyes rolling, lunch-finally, lunch- back to class, home, homework, sleep.
repeat.
and pause. breathe. you said to slow down but i didn't. pause again.
Wicked at Pantages. good. pause again. going to the Imperial Palace Buffet in Biloxi. better. you said to enjoy school but i didn't. pause again. but i didn't enjoy school. i don't. don't pause again. i'm done.
2009? listen, 2009. i'm talking to you.
don't be another crappy home video.
6 hours and 20 minutes left.
fast forward.
please.

2008-11-05T07:10:00.000-08:00

And this is it. This is the end of a long campaign, and the beginning of what I hope- what we all must hope- to be 4 years of change. Yes, Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States. And he will be the first black president.
But what we all need to understand is that 52% of the nation voted for Obama. And we can't forget the other 46% who voted for a man just as honorable and vital to our nation. I hope our nation won't be divided. We can't be divided.
And we have to remember that we live in the United States of America. The United States- not the Obama states and not the McCain states- will prosper. United as One, United under a common purpose to make America great. We have chosen our leader, and by doing that we have chosen a purposeful and hopeful future that wouldn't have been any different had we chosen any other candidate.

2008-11-04T20:01:00.001-08:00

8:02 in the West Coast, 11:02 in the East, and Barack Obama is the next president of the United States of America.

2008-11-04T18:45:00.000-08:00

Villagers are gathered around an enormous flat screen TV in Obama's father's hometown of Kogelo, Kenya (pop. 5000).
They have been cheering the whole night as each gray state on the TV turns blue for Obama.
They love Obama so much that they have even produced a musical, appropriately named "Obama".

OBAMA HAS TAKEN OHIO, THE MAJOR KEY STATE. HILLARY CLINTON WON THE PRIMARY IN OHIO AND PUNDITS WORRIED OBAMA MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN REACHING OUT TO VOTERS AS WELL AS HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN. THE LAGGING ECONOMY, HOWEVER, SEEMS TO HAVE PERSUADED VOTERS TO GO FOR HIM. MCCAIN REALLY IS GOING TO NEED A MIRACLE. FAST.

Let's hope those Kenyans keep cheering.

Obama: 200
McCain: 130

ps. check out Grant Park in Chicago. Police say that over 500,000 people will be there to watch, what they hope, Obama's acceptance speech.

2008-11-04T18:10:00.000-08:00

McCain needs to win 5 out of the 6 battleground states to have a definite run for the White House.
If Obama holds on to Pennsylvania and wins just one more state, John McCain will need a miracle to get to the White House.

2008-11-04T17:54:00.000-08:00

for anyone who doesn't know about Hagan vs. Dole in North Carolina:

Elizabeth Dole (wife of Bob Dole) seemed to be favorable for re-election, BUT THEN a little known Democrat by the name of Kay Hagan decided to run for the Senate seat. However, TV ads sponsored by Dole announced Hagan as "godless", tying her with an "anti-religious" group. It soon turned into a nasty race when Hagan fired back. Voters were smarter than that.

Hagan is officially the new North Carolinian Senator.

NEW YORK to OBAMA, along with Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, D.C.

GEORGIA to McCAIN, along with Wyoming, North Dakota, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tenesee, Kentucky, Alabama, Georgia and South Carolina

Electoral Votes:
174: Obama
76: McCain

Some swing states still up for grabs, but it doesn't look like McCain can take 'em all.

2008-11-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

electoral votes:

Obama: 102
McCain: 34

John McCain desperately needed Pennsylvania, but Obama snatched it. 85.7% of Pennsylvania is white. Over half a century later,it could be that America may have gotten over the "race" factor.

After losing Pennsylvania, McCain needs to win almost all of the battleground states.

3% of the Total Nation Reporting
And it's lookin' good.

2008-11-04T16:43:00.000-08:00

And so it begins. I've waited 2 years for this.

As of right now: 1% of the nation has reported their votes so far.
Obama is winning the popular vote by about 200,000 votes. He, however, has 3 out of 270 electoral votes to win by picking up Vermont.

McCain has picked up South Carolina and Kentucky, and therefore has 16 electoral votes.

As I have said before, only 1% of national precincts have been reported.

like falling

2008-11-02T08:43:00.000-08:00

You can see the sailboats in Newport Harbor out of a window in my friend’s room. She has lavender curtains and a door which opens out to a balcony with no railings. It’s tempting to walk onto the platform and watch the sunset. I was there yesterday night. I was falling in love. And now I am falling out. It is so much easier, but so much more terrifying.

And I wanted you.
I remembered all the conversations we used to have.
How no one wanted you, only me, how no one cared.
How it hurt to have you never answer my emails, never think twice about my replies.
I spent hours thinking of what I would say to you tomorrow, and never saw you the next day.
I hated looking at you. That was not where your soul was. It was hard to find, who you really were. Still don’t know. Who you are.
Wanted to jump. Wanted to fall. Find you. Find who you really were, staring out into the black water of Newport Harbor.
No ripples. Just black, smooth water.
Wanted to jump in. Crack the icy black glass, shatter the perfect and find the flaw. Dive into the upside down glass ceiling, break the surface. No point in coming back up. And find out who you were. Are. Who you are.
To part the lavender curtains, to fall, out of the platform, tumble down beautifully, in circles, break the perfection. Flying blissfully downward. And hitting shame and deception. Lies.

I want you like falling.

homecoming

2008-10-04T22:36:00.000-07:00

Now you know that I decided to be a dork and not go to homecoming this year.

I remember when Victoria posted last year and announced her date: Campell, Reece. Biology, 7th edition.

I guess I stole him from her. Sorry, Victoria.
But, unlike you, I have more than one date for homecoming night. Because on top of my bio book is my US history book. and on top of that is my math book, and on top of that is nathaniel hawthorne's beauty (at least it was until i over analyzed it), the scarlet letter.

A bunch of my friends won't be sleeping tonight. They'll be up partying with a sugar high and goodness knows what other types of highs. I won't be sleeping either. I guess it'll be because I have what you might call a homework high. But I highly doubt it'll be as much fun.

At least the hangovers will be equally as disastrous.

Go away Gustav

2008-08-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Gustav will be flooding New Orleans by tomorrow morning.

We all feel pity for those who lose everything they worked for. And our hearts go out to those affected by Hurricane Katrina.
But few of us have gone through the feeling of trying to comprehend the fact that they have lost part of their lives because of mother nature.

Now I will. Almost.

But I am afraid of losing memories, I will likely lose the places where those memories were made if the levees fail, if the surge gets to 15ft.

Hurricane Gustav will be washing away a part of my life by tomorrow morning.

oooh la la

2008-08-26T22:38:00.000-07:00

well.
the first day of my last two years of high school starts tomorrow.

i want to barf.

this is the first time in my entire schooling career that i've actually NOT WANTED to go to school.
there was always a piece of me years past that was excited to see all my friends again, start a new year, hooray, yay, happy happy happy!

waking up at 5:50 tomorrow and getting dressed will feel like hell. i already know it.
just by looking at my schedule it seems as though i'm taking a break, not having P.E. anymore and dropping AP Psych. but then of course i'm adding a sport, and, oh, two or three clubs.

and i'm not prepared. the only thing i did was pack my lunch and my pencil case and attempt to find my backpack.

now i'm listening to ABBA full blast, i'm trying to forget everything....and...."tonight the super trouper lights are gonna find me...shining like the sun.....smiling, having fun...."

goodbye summer. i spent 10 months wishing for 2 precious months and now the vicious cycle willl start anew.

oooh la la.

well, i'll just have to make the best out of it. i'll manage to have fun.
i always do, anyway.

cheers to my junior year at Fountain Valley High School, home of the Barons, psychos, AP kids, and jocks (i have yet to find them)

wish me luck.

2008-06-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

summer.
finally, finally, summer.

2008-06-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

i asked a senior to sign my yearbook and told him to make it meaningful, but i could tell from the smirk on his face that he didn't really mean what he wrote when he gave it back to me.
i promised myself that i wouldn't read anyone's comment until the day after school ended but a sentence or two of his caught my eye. so of course i broke my own promise and read it.

I wish I could be there when you realize that everything you're doing now is more important than any grade you'll ever get. Don't let the world pass you by.

I knew it was a bunch of BS. He had helped me write a board application earlier in the year and it went more or less along the same lines. But either way, it made me think.
I didn't exactly enjoy my sophomore year. Nothing exciting happened, nothing out of the ordinary. My teachers taught the same way, every day, and nothing truly truly truly memorable happened. If Monday was the first day of school all over again there wouldn't have been a difference. But something else that he wrote- that i was ambitious. Yes, i tried hard- very hard, actually, to make it to the top, to be number one. But i did that every day too, and the monotony of it bored me.
But was it really my teachers' fault that i became almost bored to death? Maybe it was mine. Maybe because I chose to forget what happened in the day because none of it mattered at the time. Maybe because I chose to close myself off from the rest of the world and concentrate on one specific thing each day, without realizing what was going on around me. the experiences i went through, the memories i made- i chose to forget them all.
i let the world pass me by while i was trying to get all A's, i let the world pass me by while i was trying to impress others, i let everything fall apart while i was trying to put my life together.
And now i know.
While others are vowing to do better next year and to get better grades, I will promise myself that I'm going to enjoy school- actually enjoy what I'm going through because it will shape ME- it will make me who I am.
So would you take a look a that, Mr. Huy Dao. I don't think I've fully realized it yet, with finals swooping down on me and a transcript that really really really doesn't want another B. But i'm getting closer, closer to admitting that maybe what you wrote in my yearbook wasn't BS afterall.

2008-04-30T16:52:00.000-07:00

so it's been a year since i asked you...asked you something, that's all i remember. can you believe it?
so much pain, hate-sadness
i see you sometimes-and sometimes you avoid me but i don't know- am i just being paranoid?
remember that time you sat down with me- and i worshiped you- you made me feel better
your class- your note to me
at the end of the year, don't
let that be the last with meaning-
the day- the last day- i got it- hurriedly
flipped through the pages- looking- to see what
you wrote-
and the day i signed yours- taking my time, forgetting what to say- shaking, yes, my hands
shaking even, the last thing with meaning-
actual meaning that i would ever give
to you- last year, last year.
to talk, to comfort- to be there
last year- sweet memories, sun shining,
laugh, cry, tears of joy, remembering
you and everything finely
laced with pain, guilt,
those last days, love, cherish, hold on tight
to the memoires, the music,
play on- keep playing it forever.

2008-04-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

and when my blood begins to boil
when my i feel like my heart is going to burst
when my hands curl into a fist, my nails digging
painfully into my skin
my teeth clenched, my head fit to explode,
the tears that i try so hard to keep back burst forth.
anger
hate
stop rolling your eyes.
stop laughing at me.
i hate how it makes you laugh to see me mad.
you say i'm a drama queen but maybe i can't take you anymore.
i'm sorry i'm crying but i'm not asking for forgiveness.
i'm ashamed that i'm crying- ashamed that i have to show how weak i am- i cannot- i will not- let you see me break again.

but then i take deep breaths, calm myself,
read something sad, maybe.
and all the feeling is gone. just numb. numb inside, my brain is numb, my heart is dead.
i don't want to ask for forgiveness, because i stopped wanting forgiveness long ago.
but i want to go to my friend's house tomorrow.
i learned a vocab word in AP Euro a few days ago. it's called appeasement.
if i say i'm really super sorry, will you let me hang out?

i still hate you.
and what really sucks is that the feeling between us is mutual.

Dear Spring

2008-03-30T21:09:00.000-07:00

Dear Spring,
Please excuse this belated welcome into 2008. I always wished and wondered when you would come. I even prepared for your arrival. I planted the poppy seeds, I put fertilizer in the persimmon and leechee, and I planted the blueberry, blackberry, and tomato plants. And now that you're here, I've been basking in the sun you've so kindly decided to shine for hours and hours. I've been listening to the twittering of the birds and the buzzing of the insects. And when the cool wind that's blowing turns my face to the sun brightens my day, I think of you, Spring. I thank you for the rays that shine a light on my memories, I thank you for the bliss and the happiness that you bring along.
So, again, I would like to welcome you into this brand new year. You've always done a great deal for me in the past, and I'm sure that you'll be in my memories when I look back at this season years from now.

the song. and then the memory.

2008-03-13T19:48:00.000-07:00

3 years ago on the Santa Monica pier, "where'd you go?" by fort minor was playing from the kiis fm beach shack. the sun shining brightly, the sweetness of cotton candy swarming in my mouth, the waves crashing in the distance. and people. people fishing people laughing people eating people having a wonderful time.
and 3 years later, i'm cleaning my room and "where'd you go?" is playing on the radio. and my room dissolves and i'm back on the Santa Monica pier. but the sun is less bright, the cotton candy less sweet, the waves less powerful, and the people have no expression. and the pier dissolves in my mind but my room is still a blury picture. i'm crying. because i was so happy so carefree smiling laughing the sun shining shining shining the warmth, my life was complete.
and so i take each song from each period in my life.
and when i want to take myself back-
back to summer school
back to louisiana
back to lazy summers
back to new york
back to love and life and crushes and freshman year
i listen to the song. and then the memory.

girls are mean

2008-02-16T15:32:00.000-08:00

okay, i'm a girl too. and girls are mean.
they backstab.
they lie.
they have their own little group of "friends"
and they turn their backs on everyone else.
they whisper.
they gossip.
they communicate with their eyes and share a secret laugh about their "other best friend"- "she's soo weird. she creeps me out. God she's sooo annoying."

yes, girls care,
girls love,
girls have more feelings than guys- or do guys just keep it to themselves?
girls can cause more pain.
they punch with words,
the stab with secrets,
they kill by rolling their eyes and walking away.

we're a tough, tough species.
the lioness in the jungle,
the shark in the ocean.

and the next time you see him

2008-01-28T19:43:00.000-08:00

and the next time you see him
his cardboard box
his mansion,

his black trashbag

his walk-in closet,

his outdated newspapers

his tip-top insulation,

and his grocery cart

the attic where he stores all things precious

stare into his eyes

go past the hollowness

and try to see the good.

light the fire that was extinguished

keep going past the layers of sadness and despair

and walk three miles in his shoes.

and the homeless man lives in a mansion

with an attic filled with memories, the only things he can keep.

what AP Euro taught me

2008-01-17T17:24:00.000-08:00

today in AP Euro we grouped words like "magic, spring, summer, ghosts, blood, revolution, love, passion" into different colors. summer was yellow, blood and revolution were red, spring was green. but what i learned was that there was so much beyond the "word".
passion isn't just red. passion is agony. like a heart that has burst, like lungs that have run out of air, pain ripping at every part of the body. unfulfilled happiness, crying tears of gratitude.
and summer. a sticky yellow, a blinding yellow. every pore soaking up the sun. eyes squinting, face scrunched up, laziness overcoming perfection.
and love. love is passion, but love is worse than agony. love is blind. love is deaf. love runs out of control and crashes into a million little pieces, worth less than the broken beer bottle in the sidewalk gutter. and every time it rains, more of the memory washes down the drain. yes, fulfilled love is red. but a broken heart, stiched poorly together, patched by a blind man- that love is gray.

2007: IT HAPPENED

2007-12-31T21:03:00.000-08:00

2007 will be over in around 3 hours, and it seems like each minute is passing by faster and faster. These past 365 days have been the most amazing of my life. each experience that i went through, i learned something new, something that made me smarter than before, stronger than ever. it's so hard to believe that just this january- JUST this january, i was a freshman. and it's even harder to believe that in the year of 2008, i'll be a junior. and next year starts tomorrow.
saying that i LOVED 2007 is an understatement. i cherished every moment, i wished it would drag on and on, and now, looking back...i wish that every second that had meaning to me would last forever.
saying that i learned so much in 2007 doesn't say anything at all. it was like i put on reality glasses and saw the truth in people. I looked inside myself, and saw a total stranger in january, and checked back in again, today, December 31 2007, and recognized a long lost friend.
2007: IT HAPPENED. it was destined to happen the moment i took a vacation from reality years ago, it been happening for 365 days, and it will always happen in my soul. this amazing year, this amazing scrapbook will always be open for me.

coolidge, arizona II

2007-12-27T09:44:00.000-08:00

i thought this would be funny.
i'm still in the library in Arizona, still at the computer, and the gangster is still sitting next to me. but he's on now.
anyway- out of the 5 people on computers, the only people under 18 would be...me and the gangster. the other three are WAY over their 70s.
the phrase "making a racket" suddenly came to mind.
one of the ladies all of a sudden yelled, "Haw do ya tuurn the vaaaluuuumme dowwn? it's hurtan mah earzzz!"
and the man next t0 her tried to shove his library card into some random slot in the computer, to "activate" it, and ended up cussing at the computer and saying computers were "gafts frum duh Deval."
and the man next to him is humming some military song from when he served in the Vietnam War, telling us "kids" to "chairish the freedum y'all have, yunguns!"
i told y'all this before, and i'm tellin' y'all again:
I LOVE THIS PLACE.

coolidge, arizona

2007-12-27T09:22:00.001-08:00

i'm in a library in arizona.
right now. and jeeeez....
quiet has a new meaning in this place.
i'm in one of those towns where there's exactly 100 people and everyone knows everything about everyone else.
where there are more seniors than teens. where there isn't a mcDonald's, but about 10 coffee houses.
and the internet on the 5 computers in this library takes 15 minutes to load the home page.
coolidge, arizona is one of those cities where the gangsters are decent teenage guys that go around with gangster jackets and call the library their hangout. like the "gangster" sitting next to me, with a lip ring, typing something up on Microsoft Word.
it's one of those towns where there's Main Street, which is perpendicular to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd street. and then you get to a field, and if you don't stop there, you hit a bunch of chickens and cows.
i love these towns, because everyone is polite, and they still say ma'm and sir and how do you do, miss?
the place smells like coffee and caramel and hot chocolate and i have to go now because my time on the computadora is up.
happy holidays! from Coolidge, Arizona.

my christmas wishlist

2007-12-16T17:36:00.000-08:00

stare up at the sun.
for a little while.

the warmth on your shoulder.
the smell of freshly cut grass.

blue sky.
gentle, warm breeze.

why should we ask for more,
when we already have so much?

this christmas
i want the sun in a bottle,
i want the breeze in a bag,

so on a rainy day i can let it out.
my sunny umbrella, sadnes bouncing off the top.

only my feet will get wet and cold and miserable.

the weatherman says it will rain most of next week.

please put the blue sky on my shoelaces.

Hollow

2007-12-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

Hollow.

it’s a sickening feeling.
like there’s nothing in you heart.
a dead heart.
it’s a lonely feeling.
like there’s nothing in your life.
nothing to wish for, nothing to look forward to.
you want to cry.
you want to feel the tears running down your face.
you want to sob, feel like there’s not enough air to fill your lungs,
anguish racking your body.
it’s a frustrating feeling.
because you know that crying will make it feel better.
but you can’t.
it’s a feeling of despair.
of hate.
and pain and sadness, tearing at your soul, ripping it apart,
blocking out the brightness of the sun, of life.
a black heart, discolored with days of biting your tongue and averting everyone’s eyes.
a useless soul, lost its power with days spent drowning in sorrow.
and all you can do is think about what you did that was so wrong.
and hope for it to be over.
but you wake up the next day,
with dry eyes and a crying soul.
a silent, terrible scream.

one and two.

2007-12-02T18:10:00.000-08:00

there are two doves that live in our backyard-
sleep in the avocado tree-
bathe in the sun by the tangerines-
they've been here for so long they only move a little when you get too close.
don't even bother about flying away.

they know me, i can recognize them,
boyfriend and girlfriend-
or is it husband and wife?
always together, always one and two, mr. and mrs.,
never seen one without the other.

i went to the backyard this morning and
under the avocado tree was a
small heap of feathers.
and feathers on the tree,
feathers caught in the cobwebs under the wheelbarrow,
feathers in the pail of water.

and bathing in the sun by the
tangerine tree,
was a lonely dove,
one without the other. and
when i went up close, he flew away-
left for good-
and feathers all over the yard
are still reminding me of his soul mate that is no longer in our yard either,
she's taken off in her best friend's heart,
flying along with him,
her shadow following his wherever he will go.

i ain't gonna say that.

2007-12-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

stupid cat.

what do you mean, domesticated feline- can you really call a cat domesticated when it comes up behind one of your birds that lives in the backyard and attacks it?

there are feathers all over the yard, and the wind isn't helping.

i wanted to save a feather- just one feather!- to remind me of the bird that lived in our yard for at least 3 years. so long that it wasn't even afraid of me.
but before i could take a feather my mom swept most of them up and dumped them in the trash. right before my eyes.

and what was i supposed to say? "No! don't do it, i want to save a feather to remember the birds!" yea right. i'm not a little kid. i'm not little miss kimmy. i'm not 3' 5" anymore. i'm 5' 3". i don't need to save something to remember them, i'm too big for that.
but i was sitting at the computer for the entire afternoon, and there was only one feather left, right in the middle of the patio, ready to blow away if there was a stonger gust of wind, and almost every 1/2 hour i would remember the birds- no, i would try to imagine the struggle between the cat and that poor, poor bird, like a little kid, like i was little miss kimmy, 3' 5" and not likely to grow taller than 5 feet.

i couldn't take it anymore. i jumped up, threw open the sliding door, grabbed the puny feather and shoved it in my pocket like a worthless relic- prized, and yet not cared for at the same time- grabbed the shoes outside, and explained to mom the cause for running outside into the cold and bringing the shoes back in: "the shoes are going to be soaked if there's a lot of humidity tonight."

i ran into my room and put my prized relic onto one of my bookcases, and later, my mom came in with a very weird face, asking me why there were 3 pairs of shoes and sandals on my bed. i just can't trust my own memory, to put the shoes by the hallway. and what was i supposed to say: "um...well...the reason for going outside was to actually pick up a feather so i can remember the birds that lived in our house for so long, because if you really want to know the truth, i loved those birds, and i will miss them, i'll miss their chirping and their inseperableness, and the love they had for each other, becuase, really, if you think about it, you barely ever see that in people."

forget it. i ain't gonna say that.

Innoncence

2007-11-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

remember the time when people were just good or bad
but mostly good?

you trusted everyone; until DARE told you not to accept candy from strangers, and then you wondered, "Why?"

people were one faced; what you saw in public was what you would expect to see at home, at school, they would have the same personality everywhere.

remember the time when you didn't understand why your parents would go to a party and come back annoyed because of some of the people there- and you thought they were perfectly wonderful because they had a jumping house for you and all the other little kids?

and you couldn't understand why your mom didn't like those certain people in your family and you couldn't understand why- they always gave really nice Christmas presents!

those times- i cherish. the world was just one big piece, so simple, so easy to understand, every question was easy to answer, no thinking involved.

and now- i see people so much differently, i try to look for the second face before i see their first face.

as we get older, we try to see the whole picture of everyone, their entire personality, we try to guess what they're like when they're not in public. we look for the secret part of everyone.

it's just not like it used to be.

and in some ways, that's okay.

we can't live our life feeling cheated, in the end, because as it turns out-

those people in the party were all stuck up and conceited,

and it turns out that those certain people in my family that my mother doesn't like

are unemployed and are asking for money and to stay at our house-

and now, i ask- why doesn't he have a job? what happened to him? is he lazy? i don't want a lazy person in our house. did he ever do something bad?

and to think that i used to like him, just because of a nice christmas present he bought me, years and years ago.

------------------

i'm posting at 7 in the morning. don't know why. so please don't ask, because it is truly a little embarassing.

mixed up like jambalaya

2007-11-23T17:58:00.000-08:00

i thought i knew what i was going to write about
but then i read everyone's posts and my
feelings- and ideas -of what to write about are
mixed up like jambalaya.

right now i guess i'm pretty sad because of what Sabrina wrote...- that feeling of hollowness and being able to cry and not wanting to- and then wanting to and not being able to.

so what i'll write about...
the way i spent my thanksgiving.

my dad came back from Louisiana
so it was a REAL thanksgiving this year. Well- as real as my family's traditional thanksgivings can get, which is.... not your generic type of big turkeys with mounds of cranberries and mashed potatoes.
no, it was- normal. for my family.

we went to a Thai restaurant in the heart of Los Angeles.
Palm's Thai Food takes up half a block and is always teeming with people. The LA hotspot? Palm's is the place to be.
Very chic.
upscale.
hot.
They even have this Thai man in his 40s singing Elvis hits. Dressed exactly like Elvis, of course.
Didn't I tell you this place was hot?

Sitting in the table next to me were a group of Pilgrims. Yes, "adults" in their 30s, men in their Quaker hats and suits looking a lot like Abraham Lincoln, and women with their scarves and modest black dresses. And looking at the "fashion" nowadays, they could have passed as regulars.

So there I was, with mom and dad, eating pad thai and fried rice, fried quail in pepper sauce, fried trout in mango sauce, beef sa-tae in spicy peanut sauce, and chicken and pork stuffed with what i like to call "mystery stuffing", which of course came with what i would also like to call "mystery sauce". That Thai food is really big on exotic sauce. We had everything to eat but the turkey. Which was fine with us.

AND SO THERE WE WERE, at Palm's Thai Food for Thanksgiving dinner. Stuffing ourselves with exotic food tingling and burning our tongues, listening to an Elvis impersonater churn out "hound dog" and "fools in love", with Pilgrims dancing next to me.

all this fun without a turkey and some formal dinner with white tablecloths and cranberry sauce and carbonated apple juice in a fancy look alike champagne bottle so it's kid friendly.

Who knew?

So what AM i really thankful for?
Well, that i'm not a turkey.

hold up, i'll do it tomorrow

2007-11-12T19:51:00.000-08:00

i'm a bad procrastinator.
no- scratch that- i'm not bad at procrastinating...i'm actually very good at it.what i'm bad at is finishing the work i've procrastinated on.

because i know i have work to do- i just don't do it. <-- that part is normal
and then it comes to the last minute work- when i have to finish it- and i say,nah. i'll do it at lunch <-- that's the sad part.like right now.

i have a HUGE essay- well not huge, but...
big-due on Wednesday-
and i know i'll have lots and lots of homework due wednesday already-
and i'm choosing to do the essay...
tomorrow.

smart, right?
right.

Dear Reader of this letter...

2007-11-06T22:35:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting here for 10 min. already. Thinking of what to write... And i still have no idea.
So I'll just go with "default" and paste a very interesting homework assignment my Spanish teacher Mr. Yarnton gave my class to do. And get this. The assignment is written in English.
I guess Mr. Yarnton is the guy that sets up "every 15 min." at our school. We were all agreeing with him when he said that we never really get to say "goodbye" to someone before they die, and so he said... for homework, i want you to write a goodbye note. What you would say to your family and friends, how you're not ever going to see them again, and all the things you wish you could have said.
And I guess I was feeling a little pessimistic when I wrote it...
------------
The photo album, the Barbie Dolls, the letters, the phone calls at 2 a.m., the sleepovers, the laughter, the inside jokes. Disneyland, Sea World, San Diego Zoo, ice cream, soda, crushes. School, lunch, secret clubs- password? girl power; pretty please, hand games, tag, handball. With time, they fade. An old photograph, yellowing with time. With time, my bones will turn to dust, scattered by the wind. Will I miss anyone? With time, they fade. My family, my friends, get blurred with time. Show me a picture of them. Tomorrow, I’ll forget the necklace, that they were wearing earrings. With time, their faces fade, the memories fade. Tell me you showed me a picture of them in a year. I won’t remember that you did. They’ll see me soon, no regrets that I’m leaving too soon, didn’t even get to college yet, but- I’ll see them soon, maybe, maybe. I don’t miss anyone, no, it’s okay, whatever, no biggie.
But- the sun on my back, the cool rain on my face, the breeze, sitting in the shade, the grass, the dew, the flowers- the roses- the sun on my back- the warmth, the happiness, the security.
I won’t get that again.
I’ll miss that.
That’s what matters to me in my life, that’s what I regret, having the things that will be here forever- taken away from me.
No, not family, not friends- they fade, they come and go, they’re never the same, always change.
But nature- the birds, the lizard on the stairway, the sun.

And try to take it away from me,
close my eyes.

But I can still see the sun, feel the warmth, the raindrops on my face, falling, falling,
the cool grass, green, sitting.

When I go the sun will still shine, the breeze will still blow, nothing will change.

So is this goodbye? Will I go to the next world? I didn’t know there was such thing. I will leave- I’ll be gone-that life- my life- will just…float away.

A life with no major regrets- but not carefree, filled with pain and anger and loss, yes- but beauty that shines from the sun, shows itself in weeping willows, whispers in the breeze. That life.

My life.

Name: Kimberly Renee Ngai Age: FIFTEEN!!!!!!!!! YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-14T21:37:00.000-07:00

So now I'm 15 years old. *gasp*
thanks everyone for the nice b-day wishes. it was great :)

I got home on Friday and I did exactly nothing until 11 p.m., when I finally decided to use my brain for a little while and I started to talk to my mom... and remind her that it was only going to be my b-day for 1 more hour.

and that's when she said it.
that's when she said that itty bitty little sentence...that got me thinking and gloomy and sooo sad that i almost started to cry. it was that feeling of regret. horrible feeling.

and this is what she said:
"15 already? well, did you ever think about the fact that you're never, EVER going to be 14 again?"

I was pissed when she said that. Really really pissed.
I realize how stupid this must sound...but seriously! I'm never going to be 14 for the rest of my life. obviously. but-

On the day before my birthday i was so excited to be 15, I never even thought for a nanosecond about the 365 days I had lived, being 14 years old...I never even thought about anything that happened to me...not one memory, not one happy one, not one moment that i lived, not one moment that i lived for.

And now that it's gone...

now that it's gone...

there's a poem that someone wrote, i forgot the author... but one of the stanzas stuck with me.

"It seemed to mean so little,
looking back- meant so much...
my fingertips, little strings attached on the ends
drawing me towards my fate.
my fate,
the past."

so now i'm 15 and i'm going to remember this moment,
me, sitting at the computer at 10:01 p.m., October 14, 2007, thinking about tomorrow,
anxious because my homework is half done.

I haven't changed much.

That Small Thing.

2007-10-05T21:05:00.000-07:00

Friday-
again.

The week passed by so fast- too fast-
again.

I need time, I need to find time, I need to make time-
to turn around-
calm down-

and think about the days that have flown
by.

Because people say, “What is the point of life?”

To live it with a purpose, surely.

But… what purpose? What am I doing-
everyday-
that I will remember and when I’m 85 years old-
I’ll tell myself that it was worthwhile?

Everyday-
I go to school. Get through my 7 classes. And then-
go home, do my homework,
watch TV.,
play piano (fat chance)
and go to sleep.

You could only say I have a life-
on the weekends. It seems like the world wakes up on
Friday night, the world wakes up from 5 days
in a coma.

2 days of bliss, and then-
the cycle starts all over again.

---------------------------------------

So.
Friday-
again.

The week came and went.
I got time, I found time, I made time-
to turn around-
to calm down-

and think about the days that have flown
by.

Because people say, “What is the point of life?”

To live life with a purpose,
to find that small thing
in each and every single day
that puts a smile on my face-

to find that small moment in that never ending day
that I’ll remember for the rest of my life

that makes me think about who I am-
and how I will be in the future.

It makes all the difference in my day,

It makes all the difference between a vicious cycle
and a circle of life,

It makes all the difference between who I am
and who I could have been.

But-
don’t dwell on the past for too long-

because they are cannibals, these memories,

and they will eat you alive,
they will drown you with overwhelming emotions.

So.
Look forward, too. Look to the future.
And try to make yourself a better person.

Better than yesterday-

and tomorrow- better than
today.

-----------------------------------
that’s it.
I’ve worn myself out.

No more meaningful posts until…

until I find time to calm down,
think about yesterday…

and hopefully my memories won’t eat me up.

All my <3, Kim

2007-09-26T21:21:00.000-07:00

Well, Dr. Poff got it right. I'm one of the ranting bloggers.
I try to write something meaningful... but it always comes out in this weird, twisted way.
God.

I try to talk about politics. But people say it's boring.
Who cares about politics? Elections are next year. Fred Thompson and Bill Richardson could be your neighbors, for all you would know.

So what is meaningful to people? Sabrina writes about life going on...extra credit...Amanda writes about killing crickets and tired tuesdays...and Tooba talks about kids in some baren ghost town in New Mexico. yay.

But I have profound moments too. Big, profound, the lump-in-your-throat-so-it's-hard-to-swallow moments where you get all misty eyed.
But by the time I get home and plunk myself infront of the computer at 9:30 p.m., that feeling's gone and is replaced with frustration and annoyance and countless other things.
And my big moments are left to take their rightful place in my brain: at the bottom, congealing and decaying so that by the next day they're gone.
And then it happens all over again.

But something that's bothering me right now? Go ask my personal psychologist, Sabrina Syed. She gets paid big bucks for having to listen to my rants and complaints and...everything else.

But one thing that's taking hold of my mind? PERFECTIONISTS.
Is there even such thing as a perfectionist?
People aren't perfect. But..they try to be. And why try to be perfect? People like you for who you are...they like you for your interesting personality and you humor and your outlook on life. So why try to be someone that you can never be? It bothers me.
It really, really does.
The people that redo their homework because of an accidental crinkle they made on their paper from an eraser...
Come on.
It annoys people.
It annoys me, anyway.

I learned something really interesting from someone last year.
BE YOU...AND BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE.

key word: proud.

so. this is my blog. i'm ranting again. maybe it's not me to be telling people that life goes on. i'll think of something smart to say for tomorrow. hopefully it'll blow someone away. i'll try to remember my profound moments. they're quite moving. really.

IN 15 YEARS.

2007-09-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

In 15 years, I'll be 30.
I tell people that and they're like, "well, duh. duh, duh, duh."
But it's not just DUH.
30 is like... having a husband and possibly kids.
30 is like...having a job and working and...driving.
30 is like...done with school and having to think about things like mortgages and taxes and what to buy at the market tomorrow and was it a mistake to get this pair of jeans and did I pay the electrical bill yet?

Just thinking about when I'm going to be 30-
i get that feeling of unease, kind of like before a piano recital. It's...not the best feeling in the world.

But when I was little- and I didn't think of taxes and bills and downpayments to make on homes- I imagined myself in New York City walking to work everyday, passing Time Square on the way to my office in a Georgio Armani business suit with stiletto heels and a Louis Vuitton purse. And walking my jack russel terrier in Central Park on the weekends. With a cat in my penthouse in Trump Tower...

And that way of thinking has stuck with me. (well except for I'll be living in Boston, instead of NYC-it's nicer) It's the fact that i've set such high standards for myself- and dreamt about them, even, that i can't let go of my goal to be rich and happy, the ultimate elite city girl. Are my standards too high?

I don't even know for sure what college i want to go to, I don't even know for sure if i want to be a biochemist. I don't want a husband, I definately don't want kids, I want lots and lots of good friends with a nice life. I want to have parties in my apartment and invite my family over and show them that I, Kimberly Renee Ngai, am a successful woman with a wonderful life.

So what is the point, exactly, of writing all of this?
I don't know. Maybe to prove to everyone that I CAN BE SOMEONE.
People always tell me I need to stop stressing before tests and that I am overachieving in almost everything that I do.
But look at how i want my life to be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Look at the standards I've set for myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So you just wait. Give me 15 years.
Find me in 15 years and you'll see that the stressing and overachieving paid off. YOU JUST WAIT.

Friday!!!!

2007-09-21T19:44:00.000-07:00

Well...today is Friday. Already. I can't believe how fast the days are passing. Well I'm not going to the Homecoming dance on Sat. and since it's about 7:50 p.m., everyone at the football game is ready to figure out who Homecoming King and Queen are... GO TYTUS!!!!!!! :D

Not much is going on in the political world...well except for the president of Iran is coming to America and he wanted to visit Ground Zero...but of course Pres. Bush said no.
I visited Ground Zero this summer and I thought there would actually be an open space for everyone to look at. Not really. There was fencing, and tarp was covering the fence so the only way people would be able to see the site would be through holes in the tarp. The monument that is going up in place of the World Trade Centers isn't all that great. Everyone expected it to be something big and beautiful and symbolic, but to me, it looks like any other building. Oh well.

We don't have cable TV anymore. :(
So now I can't watch CNN and the Travel Chanel and Discovery Chanel and Animal Planet...and HGTV. You'd be suprised how much you can learn on HGTV.
At least I have ABC (dancing with the stars!) and Fox ( for the Simpsons)...

okay, well... that's my report!

for sabrina.

2007-09-19T22:16:00.001-07:00

i know. i'm blogging again. on the same day. almost at the same time. i feel like a geek but i have to write this because... JUST because. this is mostly for sabrina though... yes, a post dedicated to her, because i know she will like this.

sabrina.....sabrina.
do you remember the time in 9th grade...
when we laughed until we almost died?
the time you put all of our notes into a black folder and called it blackmail?
the time i did summersaults down the hill?
the time...
the time...
the time...
OH SABRINA. do you remember going into the staff lounge and taking butcher paper? do you remember the yellow butcher paper...the blue butcher paper... the red yarn?
do you remember...
yearbook class? wired baron? our premature start to CSF?

last year. last year, last year, last year.

god i miss it.
maybe i need a psychologist to lable my feelings.
or maybe i just have some random disliking toward psychologists...
or maybe not so random.

PEER COURT!

2007-09-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Wow. Peer court… IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!! it was one of the really great experiences I’ve had at FVHS… something only second to International Week :P

So I was one of the nine jurors in the first case, trying to decide what kind of punishment I should give to an 18 year old that was driving without a license. Can't say much about it here because then it wouldn't be confidential (i feel important saying that) :)

I was a little nervous volunteering for juror because I have almost no idea about laws and all of that stuff. It's all still pretty new to me, but the whole idea of PEER court is pretty cool becuase we can relate to how the guilty people feel and why they might have committed those crimes.

It was such a good experience being a juror, I'm SO GOING TO DO JURY DUTY when I'm an adult. I wish that they had peer court every month...but then I'd probably be better off doing mock trial, right? Oh well, at least I'm in MUN.

School is going pretty good right now, apart from all the homework and seriousness of lots of my classes (Wired baron doesn't really make it on that list) :D. Guess i'm just so used to last year, where everyone was still chasing each other in class and making the most random remarks. But it was fun. lots and lots of fun...

okay so now the political corner:

HILLARY CLINTON. man, she is insane. so insane that she's probably, MOST PROBABLY going to win the election. There aren't a lot of people that are still for the Republicans, and Clinton is just the smartest and most fit for the presidency. So lots and lots of years ago, when her hair was still poofy and long and her husband wasn't even president yet, she was campaigning for a healthcare plan that nobody was for. So here she is now, going for the same healthcare plan...and it looks like people might accept it. I feel like we're in a time warp or something. Hillary Clinton is going for the same healthcare plan that she was for over a decade ago, and OJ Simpson is back in court. WOW.

Kay, g2g and start my homework...at 10 p.m. Wish me luck. :)

take a look at the GINORMOUS picture

2007-09-18T14:09:00.000-07:00

So at school today I was talking to my friend who’s in World History and she was telling me about how she’s in the “ghetto” class. She’s not very happy about sitting in a class where all the people around her are asking things like, “What’s a government?” or “What’s a law?” or even “Who the heck is George Bush?”. She has one of the highest grades (106%) because she’s one of the few people that does their homework and gets it signed. So after I cracked up, I really started to ask myself why there's always group of kids at school, or a few groups of kids that are so far behind. And truthfully, is it just their fault, or is there someone else to blame?
But as I looked at the BIG picuture, the GINORMOUS picture, it's not just at FVHS were there is a group that's always trailing far behind. I spent my summer in the southern states (ex. Louisiana, Mississippi), and that's where the idea first popped into my head. I don't want to be mean, and I certainly don't mean to discriminate, but it's a fact that in the United States, there are WAY fewer African-Americans that go to college, than, let's say, Asians. And sure, whenever Rev. Jesse Jackson is speaking in public, he says the reason for why his race is behind everyone else's is because of slavery and discrimination. But the generation of slavery is long gone. So why are they still behind?
I'm going to make my answer brief...short...and concise. :) It's not only the kids' fault that he's not doing so great in school, it's also the parents' fault. They're the ones that set the examples for their kids. If Dad's out of work and sitting around the house watching TV, the example that he's going to set for his kids will be one of laziness and unproductivity. His son won't know any better. The parent takes the initiative to set the example for his kids, whether positive or negative. So if Dad does nothing everyday, his son will learn from that and fail at school. When the son gets married and has a kid, he's going to teach his son the same thing- that work doesn't matter. If that keeps going from generation to generation that race will fall farther and farther behind. But let's take another step back and see everyone as an individual. It's their job, and nobody else's, to make sure that they are setting a good example for the next generation. Of course it's possible for people to catch up, only if everyone is given a fair chance and opportunity. I always hear people saying, "Asians are smart." But not all Asians are smart; it's mostly because AN INDIVIDUAL'S parents urge them to study and try hard. And if everyone could do that...if everyone's parents could do that and set a good example, then we wouldn't have a group of kids at FVHS, or anywhere else in the world that would be behind.

WOW I realize I wrote like...a very lengthly and unorganized essay. Oh well, it's modified day today and I don't have that much homework (never thought I'd type that).
So is any1 keeping an eye on '08 elections????? McCain seems to be getting back A LITTLE into the race. Too bad he's almost broke. :D

FIRST POST!!!!!!!

2007-09-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

Oooooh, first post in my entire life. What a geek, what a geek.
SATURDAY. the best day of the week, where you can sleep late...and wake up on Sunday to a mountain of homework.
Soooo... i attempted to start my homework today but no luck, i don't have any pressure to finish it yet, so i'll just wait until Sunday night to get a leeeetle heart attack. maybe i'll finish it in zero period :) on Monday.
maybe.

Hopefully some other day like tomorrow i'll write a little more... i'll write something with substance...and it'll be so interesting your eyes will pop out of their sockets. hey sabrina...maybe i'll talk about the time you poured soda down your nose... :P