individuals

People mean a lot to me. No, let me narrow that down. Individuals. When I meet someone I like, when I meet someone I admire, when I meet people I instantly connect with--those people mean a lot to me. They make me happy. I instantly fall in love with them, I want to tell them everything about myself, I want to find all the reasons why they are so much like me and why we can talk on and on even though I just met them 5 minutes ago. And I don’t really know why.
I measure people up when I meet them and I decide how I should act (crazy or conservative? both are parts of me), and when I can be myself (both wild and calm, and everything in between) I’m pretty sure you can catch me glowing. Radioactively glowing.
I am so excited to know people and to meet them all the time, and when it happens and I meet someone and I’m excited to see them again, that is when my life is perfect.

I’m pretty sure this post sounds lame and I’m sorry for the limited words and vocabulary I’m using, but I prefer to capture the moment in all its beauty and perfection.

Budget Cuts

I know everyone's sick of hearing about budget cuts at school- "We can't do this because of budget cuts...Budget cuts this year mean we have to cancel this class...The budget cuts make it impossible to fund this..."
So I'm pretty much tired of hearing about anything to do with budget cuts, unless it involves releasing around 22,000 convicts (mostly L.A.) from prison much earlier than they should be released.
Arnold Schwarzenegger said he's been doing everything he can- which is, obviously, nothing- to make the most practical cuts and to do what's best, but...is releasing a bunch of convicts early from jail the best and smartest thing to do?
Look at it like this: Most of the convicts are from Los Angeles. So they're released earlier than what their sentence actually is, which means they'll most probably get back to LA and start robbing banks and vandalizing property and whatever else they did to get jailed for. LA Police take pride in the fact that they are the most efficient in catching criminals and that they catch the most in the least amount of time. So we're still safe right?
Well, not really...since Gov Schwarzenegger's brilliant idea of laying off police will obviously have an impact. And the fact that all 22,000 convicts will be released in a short amount of time doesn't help much either, does it?
Yeah, I didn't think so.

7.16.2009

i waited for 3 months.
i set my hopes on seeing adam lambert with my own eyes
and the day came
and the concert started
and adam lambert came out and sang.
and danced.
and took off his jacket.
jazmin and i screamed ourselves hoarse
we danced our way to embarrassment
and then,
one of my favorite songs,
Starlight by Muse.
i thought nothing was better than the original
and adam surpassed it by at least 10 times.
and at that moment--as he sang about our hopes and expectations,
black holes and revelations, as the disco ball lit up the stadium, bathed in sliver and blue light-- i knew.
it was the best moment of my life.
rocking out with adam, the music so loud the floor, the chair, the air, shook, and i knew.
some memories stay forever, some fade.
and as i think back, and the music isn't as loud, and the light isn't as bright--
all i can think-- best night of my life, best night of my life, best night of my life.
pure bliss.

stubborn.

If I can't have you/
I don't want nobody baby

skeletons in your closet--hail to toledo

walking down the road,
thinking of you,
walking down the road,
it hurts but it feels good.

i want stabbing pains and fiery rains,
i want you and for you to be in my arms,
once before i unlock your door,
this is you and this is me,
see me, don't you see...

there are skeletons in your closet
here's where i kissed you
here's where you left
the place where we met
and my shadow still follows

there are skeletons in your closet
drowning in the rain
couldn't open the door, you shut it quick
you shut it fast
on my fingers
drowning in the rain

i still see you somedays
drowning in the rain

i'm here but you never are
i saw where you held him
i saw where you kissed him
i saw what you never wanted me to see
when i opened your door

there are skeletons in your closet
here's where i kissed you
here's where you left
the place where we met
and my shadow still follows

drowning in the rain.

one two three four

tell me that you love me more.
chances, chances, chances. it's a crime to be given so many and not take one.
am i insecure? god, i hope not.
you are so anticlimactic. you've given me so many chances to figure you out, and i blindly walked into your arms.
today, i think i figured you out for good. i'll say it again. you are so anticlimactic.
and it bothers me.
and it hurts me.
and it scares me.
one, two, three, four.
i still want you.
tell me that you love me more. even though you don't and never will mean it, because i am and will always be blind to your sarcasm.

i chase sunsets.

i feel like i am chasing the sunset,
desperately trying to grab hopes and dreams.
but at the end of the day, when the sun sets,
when i've chased it all the way to the beach and stand staring at the horizon,
i am no more closer to it than when i saw it outside the bathroom window.
after running for an hour on the treadmill, i am still in the living room, staring at the TV, sweat dripping down my neck.
my hands are outstretched, blind, grabbing at what i can never have.




that sunset on Monday-- watching the clouds turn from white to pink to orange to black--reminded me of what i've been chasing endlessly. i chase sunsets. i chase my dreams and hope that one day, the sun will freeze when the sky is on fire.
and i'll be able to take the perfect picture.