I want to go to UCB, I want to got to UCLA, Stanford, Harvard. I always wanted to go, and dreams of accomplishment always consisted of one of those colleges, me unpacking in my dorm, me eating in the cafeteria, me studying in the Hogwarts-y libraries. And it's always snowing outside, it has to be snowing.
But my view has changed, a complete 180 degree turn, my college choice and dream is so different now that it puts Harvard and UCB a category below.
Five people know. I shouldn't have told three of them though.
They're too quick to judge, those three. I've known them the longest though. At least 6 years. But I shouldn't have told them.
I'm scared to tell people where I want to spend 4 years studying. I know what they're thinking.
she'll never make it there.
I see what they're lips are forming, what they are saying to me.
Oh my God, you want to go there? Wow! You'll totally make it!
I hate them. I hate all of them. Because they all have two faces, they all smile at my decision and smirk on the inside.
I'm afraid I'll tell someone and then not make it. Fail the admissions test. Not get a nomination. And let that smirk they're wearing on the inside become a laugh.
I want to be disciplined. I know how far I can fall if I can do whatever I want. So I made my decision, I know where I want to go, UCLA is nice, Stanford is nice, Harvard is beautiful.
But where I want to go, it's me.
Friday, April 10, 2009
subzero
Posted by kim at 7:31 PM
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1 comments:
I wrote you a comment. It was almost a page long. Then I deleted it. Because I hoped that you wouldn’t need to hear a page’s worth of my reassurance. Reassurance that it wouldn’t matter to me where you went.
But then I thought it through and I was wrong – you do need reassurance and I hope you are reassured after reading this that I’m not like those other three people (and I certainly hope not, though I don’t think, that I am one of them). But I can understand why you didn’t trust me to understand your choice; it was easier not to tell.
So instead of leaving you a page long comment I’m telling you it doesn't matter who you trust as long as you trust yourself and go for it (which you’ve already done) and don’t you dare be ashamed about telling people and afraid of not making it in – I can’t guarantee that you’ll get in wherever it is you want to go (I have my theories, but I’m not certain), no one can, but I can guarantee that all that matters is that you tried – and tried proudly at that.
I mean, wasn't it just a few weeks ago that we were advising one of the smarter seniors we know to go to OCC? Did we truly mean that from our hearts? Did we think that's what was best for her? I don't know. I think I did. But I don't know. What I do know is that you’re not the type of person who should be afraid to proudly announce where she wants to go, especially if it’s not Harvard or Stanford or UCLA or UCB, because that’s you.
So I'm glad to know you trust yourself, but I sincerely hope you trust me and go for it.
I didn’t mean this one to be this long either, but at least it’s not a page!
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