oooh la la

well.
the first day of my last two years of high school starts tomorrow.

i want to barf.

this is the first time in my entire schooling career that i've actually NOT WANTED to go to school.
there was always a piece of me years past that was excited to see all my friends again, start a new year, hooray, yay, happy happy happy!

waking up at 5:50 tomorrow and getting dressed will feel like hell. i already know it.
just by looking at my schedule it seems as though i'm taking a break, not having P.E. anymore and dropping AP Psych. but then of course i'm adding a sport, and, oh, two or three clubs.

and i'm not prepared. the only thing i did was pack my lunch and my pencil case and attempt to find my backpack.

now i'm listening to ABBA full blast, i'm trying to forget everything....and...."tonight the super trouper lights are gonna find me...shining like the sun.....smiling, having fun...."

goodbye summer. i spent 10 months wishing for 2 precious months and now the vicious cycle willl start anew.

oooh la la.

well, i'll just have to make the best out of it. i'll manage to have fun.
i always do, anyway.

cheers to my junior year at Fountain Valley High School, home of the Barons, psychos, AP kids, and jocks (i have yet to find them)

wish me luck.

summer.
finally, finally, summer.

i asked a senior to sign my yearbook and told him to make it meaningful, but i could tell from the smirk on his face that he didn't really mean what he wrote when he gave it back to me.
i promised myself that i wouldn't read anyone's comment until the day after school ended but a sentence or two of his caught my eye. so of course i broke my own promise and read it.

I wish I could be there when you realize that everything you're doing now is more important than any grade you'll ever get. Don't let the world pass you by.

I knew it was a bunch of BS. He had helped me write a board application earlier in the year and it went more or less along the same lines. But either way, it made me think.
I didn't exactly enjoy my sophomore year. Nothing exciting happened, nothing out of the ordinary. My teachers taught the same way, every day, and nothing truly truly truly memorable happened. If Monday was the first day of school all over again there wouldn't have been a difference. But something else that he wrote- that i was ambitious. Yes, i tried hard- very hard, actually, to make it to the top, to be number one. But i did that every day too, and the monotony of it bored me.
But was it really my teachers' fault that i became almost bored to death? Maybe it was mine. Maybe because I chose to forget what happened in the day because none of it mattered at the time. Maybe because I chose to close myself off from the rest of the world and concentrate on one specific thing each day, without realizing what was going on around me. the experiences i went through, the memories i made- i chose to forget them all.
i let the world pass me by while i was trying to get all A's, i let the world pass me by while i was trying to impress others, i let everything fall apart while i was trying to put my life together.
And now i know.
While others are vowing to do better next year and to get better grades, I will promise myself that I'm going to enjoy school- actually enjoy what I'm going through because it will shape ME- it will make me who I am.
So would you take a look a that, Mr. Huy Dao. I don't think I've fully realized it yet, with finals swooping down on me and a transcript that really really really doesn't want another B. But i'm getting closer, closer to admitting that maybe what you wrote in my yearbook wasn't BS afterall.

so it's been a year since i asked you...asked you something, that's all i remember. can you believe it?
so much pain, hate-sadness
i see you sometimes-and sometimes you avoid me but i don't know- am i just being paranoid?
remember that time you sat down with me- and i worshiped you- you made me feel better
your class- your note to me
at the end of the year, don't
let that be the last with meaning-
the day- the last day- i got it- hurriedly
flipped through the pages- looking- to see what
you wrote-
and the day i signed yours- taking my time, forgetting what to say- shaking, yes, my hands
shaking even, the last thing with meaning-
actual meaning that i would ever give
to you- last year, last year.
to talk, to comfort- to be there
last year- sweet memories, sun shining,
laugh, cry, tears of joy, remembering
you and everything finely
laced with pain, guilt,
those last days, love, cherish, hold on tight
to the memoires, the music,
play on- keep playing it forever.

and when my blood begins to boil
when my i feel like my heart is going to burst
when my hands curl into a fist, my nails digging
painfully into my skin
my teeth clenched, my head fit to explode,
the tears that i try so hard to keep back burst forth.
anger
hate
stop rolling your eyes.
stop laughing at me.
i hate how it makes you laugh to see me mad.
you say i'm a drama queen but maybe i can't take you anymore.
i'm sorry i'm crying but i'm not asking for forgiveness.
i'm ashamed that i'm crying- ashamed that i have to show how weak i am- i cannot- i will not- let you see me break again.

but then i take deep breaths, calm myself,
read something sad, maybe.
and all the feeling is gone. just numb. numb inside, my brain is numb, my heart is dead.
i don't want to ask for forgiveness, because i stopped wanting forgiveness long ago.
but i want to go to my friend's house tomorrow.
i learned a vocab word in AP Euro a few days ago. it's called appeasement.
if i say i'm really super sorry, will you let me hang out?

i still hate you.
and what really sucks is that the feeling between us is mutual.

Dear Spring

Dear Spring,
Please excuse this belated welcome into 2008. I always wished and wondered when you would come. I even prepared for your arrival. I planted the poppy seeds, I put fertilizer in the persimmon and leechee, and I planted the blueberry, blackberry, and tomato plants. And now that you're here, I've been basking in the sun you've so kindly decided to shine for hours and hours. I've been listening to the twittering of the birds and the buzzing of the insects. And when the cool wind that's blowing turns my face to the sun brightens my day, I think of you, Spring. I thank you for the rays that shine a light on my memories, I thank you for the bliss and the happiness that you bring along.
So, again, I would like to welcome you into this brand new year. You've always done a great deal for me in the past, and I'm sure that you'll be in my memories when I look back at this season years from now.

the song. and then the memory.

3 years ago on the Santa Monica pier, "where'd you go?" by fort minor was playing from the kiis fm beach shack. the sun shining brightly, the sweetness of cotton candy swarming in my mouth, the waves crashing in the distance. and people. people fishing people laughing people eating people having a wonderful time.
and 3 years later, i'm cleaning my room and "where'd you go?" is playing on the radio. and my room dissolves and i'm back on the Santa Monica pier. but the sun is less bright, the cotton candy less sweet, the waves less powerful, and the people have no expression. and the pier dissolves in my mind but my room is still a blury picture. i'm crying. because i was so happy so carefree smiling laughing the sun shining shining shining the warmth, my life was complete.
and so i take each song from each period in my life.
and when i want to take myself back-
back to summer school
back to louisiana
back to lazy summers
back to new york
back to love and life and crushes and freshman year
i listen to the song. and then the memory.