homecoming

Now you know that I decided to be a dork and not go to homecoming this year.

I remember when Victoria posted last year and announced her date: Campell, Reece. Biology, 7th edition.

I guess I stole him from her. Sorry, Victoria.
But, unlike you, I have more than one date for homecoming night. Because on top of my bio book is my US history book. and on top of that is my math book, and on top of that is nathaniel hawthorne's beauty (at least it was until i over analyzed it), the scarlet letter.

A bunch of my friends won't be sleeping tonight. They'll be up partying with a sugar high and goodness knows what other types of highs. I won't be sleeping either. I guess it'll be because I have what you might call a homework high. But I highly doubt it'll be as much fun.

At least the hangovers will be equally as disastrous.

Go away Gustav

Hurricane Gustav will be flooding New Orleans by tomorrow morning.

We all feel pity for those who lose everything they worked for. And our hearts go out to those affected by Hurricane Katrina.
But few of us have gone through the feeling of trying to comprehend the fact that they have lost part of their lives because of mother nature.

Now I will. Almost.

But I am afraid of losing memories, I will likely lose the places where those memories were made if the levees fail, if the surge gets to 15ft.

Hurricane Gustav will be washing away a part of my life by tomorrow morning.

oooh la la

well.
the first day of my last two years of high school starts tomorrow.

i want to barf.

this is the first time in my entire schooling career that i've actually NOT WANTED to go to school.
there was always a piece of me years past that was excited to see all my friends again, start a new year, hooray, yay, happy happy happy!

waking up at 5:50 tomorrow and getting dressed will feel like hell. i already know it.
just by looking at my schedule it seems as though i'm taking a break, not having P.E. anymore and dropping AP Psych. but then of course i'm adding a sport, and, oh, two or three clubs.

and i'm not prepared. the only thing i did was pack my lunch and my pencil case and attempt to find my backpack.

now i'm listening to ABBA full blast, i'm trying to forget everything....and...."tonight the super trouper lights are gonna find me...shining like the sun.....smiling, having fun...."

goodbye summer. i spent 10 months wishing for 2 precious months and now the vicious cycle willl start anew.

oooh la la.

well, i'll just have to make the best out of it. i'll manage to have fun.
i always do, anyway.

cheers to my junior year at Fountain Valley High School, home of the Barons, psychos, AP kids, and jocks (i have yet to find them)

wish me luck.

summer.
finally, finally, summer.

i asked a senior to sign my yearbook and told him to make it meaningful, but i could tell from the smirk on his face that he didn't really mean what he wrote when he gave it back to me.
i promised myself that i wouldn't read anyone's comment until the day after school ended but a sentence or two of his caught my eye. so of course i broke my own promise and read it.

I wish I could be there when you realize that everything you're doing now is more important than any grade you'll ever get. Don't let the world pass you by.

I knew it was a bunch of BS. He had helped me write a board application earlier in the year and it went more or less along the same lines. But either way, it made me think.
I didn't exactly enjoy my sophomore year. Nothing exciting happened, nothing out of the ordinary. My teachers taught the same way, every day, and nothing truly truly truly memorable happened. If Monday was the first day of school all over again there wouldn't have been a difference. But something else that he wrote- that i was ambitious. Yes, i tried hard- very hard, actually, to make it to the top, to be number one. But i did that every day too, and the monotony of it bored me.
But was it really my teachers' fault that i became almost bored to death? Maybe it was mine. Maybe because I chose to forget what happened in the day because none of it mattered at the time. Maybe because I chose to close myself off from the rest of the world and concentrate on one specific thing each day, without realizing what was going on around me. the experiences i went through, the memories i made- i chose to forget them all.
i let the world pass me by while i was trying to get all A's, i let the world pass me by while i was trying to impress others, i let everything fall apart while i was trying to put my life together.
And now i know.
While others are vowing to do better next year and to get better grades, I will promise myself that I'm going to enjoy school- actually enjoy what I'm going through because it will shape ME- it will make me who I am.
So would you take a look a that, Mr. Huy Dao. I don't think I've fully realized it yet, with finals swooping down on me and a transcript that really really really doesn't want another B. But i'm getting closer, closer to admitting that maybe what you wrote in my yearbook wasn't BS afterall.

so it's been a year since i asked you...asked you something, that's all i remember. can you believe it?
so much pain, hate-sadness
i see you sometimes-and sometimes you avoid me but i don't know- am i just being paranoid?
remember that time you sat down with me- and i worshiped you- you made me feel better
your class- your note to me
at the end of the year, don't
let that be the last with meaning-
the day- the last day- i got it- hurriedly
flipped through the pages- looking- to see what
you wrote-
and the day i signed yours- taking my time, forgetting what to say- shaking, yes, my hands
shaking even, the last thing with meaning-
actual meaning that i would ever give
to you- last year, last year.
to talk, to comfort- to be there
last year- sweet memories, sun shining,
laugh, cry, tears of joy, remembering
you and everything finely
laced with pain, guilt,
those last days, love, cherish, hold on tight
to the memoires, the music,
play on- keep playing it forever.

and when my blood begins to boil
when my i feel like my heart is going to burst
when my hands curl into a fist, my nails digging
painfully into my skin
my teeth clenched, my head fit to explode,
the tears that i try so hard to keep back burst forth.
anger
hate
stop rolling your eyes.
stop laughing at me.
i hate how it makes you laugh to see me mad.
you say i'm a drama queen but maybe i can't take you anymore.
i'm sorry i'm crying but i'm not asking for forgiveness.
i'm ashamed that i'm crying- ashamed that i have to show how weak i am- i cannot- i will not- let you see me break again.

but then i take deep breaths, calm myself,
read something sad, maybe.
and all the feeling is gone. just numb. numb inside, my brain is numb, my heart is dead.
i don't want to ask for forgiveness, because i stopped wanting forgiveness long ago.
but i want to go to my friend's house tomorrow.
i learned a vocab word in AP Euro a few days ago. it's called appeasement.
if i say i'm really super sorry, will you let me hang out?

i still hate you.
and what really sucks is that the feeling between us is mutual.