not exactly a psychedelic experience.

2 days after getting my grades, 15 days into summer, 19 days before the American Idol Concert, and after 16 years of being Kimberly Renée Ngai, I had more of a realization than a psychedelic experience. But it was close enough.
I know who I am. I always know who I am. And I will and say this: who I was before was not how I want, or wanted to be. I always needed someone to know everything was going to be okay, I always needed someone to say I was doing the right thing, regardless of the circumstances. I always needed someone to talk to, someone to rant and complain with. And I wanted to feel accepted, feel like I was part of something. I think I wanted to be someone else, because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I took criticism too seriously, and let everything get to me. So for a while, I was fighting with myself and tried to find someone I could be friends with--someone who would unconditionally love me. I don't know what kind of fairy world I was living in. And what I hated most about it--I don't think I was that kind of friend either. I was too wrapped up with myself to be the person I desperately wanted from someone else.
And I think that was my mistake. I spent my life looking for someone who I could talk to forever, for someone who would always care and love me. That is not to say I didn't have caring friends. My friends--well, two or three good friends-- were always there for me. But I always wanted more, and that was my biggest mistake.
My biggest regret is that I never thought of, for even an instant, that I myself could be the person I wanted so badly. Why do we need other people? I know it's part of the human character, but as of now--as of around 9:30pm at Target in the contact solution aisle-- I believe in myself. I depend on myself-- and only myself. I am tired of people telling me and thinking you can't do this, she'll fail that, she's not capable, there's no point in trying.
I will go ahead in life at full speed. I have a plan and I intend to carry it out. I know what I am going to do, and nothing anyone can ever say about me will hurt me or slow me down.
1 week ago, the Rolling Stone magazine featured an Adam Lambert article-- The Liberation of Adam Lambert.
And I truly feel liberated.

sweet misery

After one day of doing absolutely nothing except for clean my room, eat, sit around outside, listen to KIIS Fm nonstop for at least 12 hours, and watch the NBA finals (ongoing), I'm bored.
Really.
There is absolutely nothing to do when you're grounded during the summer. Why am I grounded, you might ask? Well that is sweet misery.
I got a C in Pre-Calculus Honors.

I am so screwed over.
I mean, it's not even a B. It's a C. I know, I know, people will read this and think I'm an AP Freak, but really, right now, I don't even care. I cannot believe I messed up my entire college career. My entire UC future, if you want to be specific. I am so frustrated with myself, and at the same time, I'm just relieved that all of this is over and that I can try harder next year. There is one thing I'm not going to let myself think, though. I am not going to get into that mentality that grades don't matter. I will not let myself start to think it's not just about the college you go to, because even if it's not, if I don't have any motiviation, if I don't have a drive, or a goal, or a reason, this will be the first and definately not the last C on my transcrpit. And I can't let that happen.

So about this boring summer...if school was still in, I would be panicking and trying to finish all my homework because I would have obviously left it to the last few hours of Sunday. But I'm happily letting my melted cherry popsicle drip onto the napkin and leaving my hands with that sticky feeling, because, believe it or not, it's summer. Shiny, bright, warm, sticky, summer.

I would worship the summer if it didn't end so quickly every year.

hello again

2 days into summer and the sun finally decides to shine. what a terrible school year it was. i don't have much planned for this summer, but it beats going to Pre-Cal Honors every day.
i really want to talk about how the year went, but honestly, nothing really happened. made some friends, lost some, got more weird looks, sighed a lot, rolled my eyes...and skipped out on too much sleep.

so--this summer-- run, swim, work, volunteer, eat, sleep.

sounds good to me. not much brain power involved, but i don't mind getting brain freeze for three months. in fact, i'm welcoming it with open arms.

i need to write something else, but i have time. to wait and think and plan my words carefully, all while watching TV, listening to The Killers, and eating a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. slowly churned, of course.

ah yes, this is summer. no school, no stress.

black and gold

i kissed the moon and the stars,
flew above the clouds and cried myself to sleep.
i had cake for breakfast, chocolate with whipped cream.
i didn't wash my hands so my fingers could hang onto the monkey bars longer than anyone else.

subzero

I want to go to UCB, I want to got to UCLA, Stanford, Harvard. I always wanted to go, and dreams of accomplishment always consisted of one of those colleges, me unpacking in my dorm, me eating in the cafeteria, me studying in the Hogwarts-y libraries. And it's always snowing outside, it has to be snowing.
But my view has changed, a complete 180 degree turn, my college choice and dream is so different now that it puts Harvard and UCB a category below.
Five people know. I shouldn't have told three of them though.
They're too quick to judge, those three. I've known them the longest though. At least 6 years. But I shouldn't have told them.
I'm scared to tell people where I want to spend 4 years studying. I know what they're thinking.
she'll never make it there.
I see what they're lips are forming, what they are saying to me.
Oh my God, you want to go there? Wow! You'll totally make it!
I hate them. I hate all of them. Because they all have two faces, they all smile at my decision and smirk on the inside.
I'm afraid I'll tell someone and then not make it. Fail the admissions test. Not get a nomination. And let that smirk they're wearing on the inside become a laugh.
I want to be disciplined. I know how far I can fall if I can do whatever I want. So I made my decision, I know where I want to go, UCLA is nice, Stanford is nice, Harvard is beautiful.
But where I want to go, it's me.

because i have to

i always try to keep the same template on my blog, the same theme on my phone, the same status message on gchat.
it never works. it never, ever does.
sorry. sorry i always change my personality, sorry i hate it and then claim it's the best thing ever.
i can never stand myself, i can never stand the same thing, over and over. i want to be different but somehow it always comes out twisted.
i want you to like me because i am human. i want you to approve of what i do because i want to know, because i need to know.
i have to.

This, Catharsis

Once before, I’m sorry.
Only a million times after,
Why can’t you see? I am apologizing.
We look for what is attainable, dream and long
for what is
Not.
And there’s you, and me,
And all of these people.
I can’t keep my eyes off you, my hands
Shaking. If you were coming in the Summer,
I’d brush by
Fall. Gold leaves. Orange leaves.
Fall leaves, sway, swing,
bleed on the ground.
I never look to you to solve my problems,
The problems I create.
I crash, you crash, shades of yellow, and feel me, touch me.
Play the music, vibrate, the floor, my chest. I am crying, the music is crying, crying on the inside. I am.
Who do you think I am? Who can I be? What
Will I be? Make a memory, make a memory, make
A memory.
Sweat and tears, it’s all the same.
I suffer to feel, my regret, not your pain, mine.
My pain. Twirling,
Twirling and waving like
Flags, mixed up in the wash, bleeding colors. My
Pain.
And all I want you to say
All I ever wanted to hear, to wish, to dream, from you,
I don’t ask for much.
And to have the world spin, when mine stops,
When mine freezes, control alt delete.
To have you say it so I could feel it with my hands and
Have the guilt wash over my face— to see it in my tears, in the
Heavy heavy part of my chest where the tears
Start.
Have you say, hear you say,
I can never love you. After what you did.
Especially
After what you
did.
Once before, only a million times
After.