This, Catharsis

Once before, I’m sorry.
Only a million times after,
Why can’t you see? I am apologizing.
We look for what is attainable, dream and long
for what is
Not.
And there’s you, and me,
And all of these people.
I can’t keep my eyes off you, my hands
Shaking. If you were coming in the Summer,
I’d brush by
Fall. Gold leaves. Orange leaves.
Fall leaves, sway, swing,
bleed on the ground.
I never look to you to solve my problems,
The problems I create.
I crash, you crash, shades of yellow, and feel me, touch me.
Play the music, vibrate, the floor, my chest. I am crying, the music is crying, crying on the inside. I am.
Who do you think I am? Who can I be? What
Will I be? Make a memory, make a memory, make
A memory.
Sweat and tears, it’s all the same.
I suffer to feel, my regret, not your pain, mine.
My pain. Twirling,
Twirling and waving like
Flags, mixed up in the wash, bleeding colors. My
Pain.
And all I want you to say
All I ever wanted to hear, to wish, to dream, from you,
I don’t ask for much.
And to have the world spin, when mine stops,
When mine freezes, control alt delete.
To have you say it so I could feel it with my hands and
Have the guilt wash over my face— to see it in my tears, in the
Heavy heavy part of my chest where the tears
Start.
Have you say, hear you say,
I can never love you. After what you did.
Especially
After what you
did.
Once before, only a million times
After.