not exactly a psychedelic experience.

2 days after getting my grades, 15 days into summer, 19 days before the American Idol Concert, and after 16 years of being Kimberly Renée Ngai, I had more of a realization than a psychedelic experience. But it was close enough.
I know who I am. I always know who I am. And I will and say this: who I was before was not how I want, or wanted to be. I always needed someone to know everything was going to be okay, I always needed someone to say I was doing the right thing, regardless of the circumstances. I always needed someone to talk to, someone to rant and complain with. And I wanted to feel accepted, feel like I was part of something. I think I wanted to be someone else, because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I took criticism too seriously, and let everything get to me. So for a while, I was fighting with myself and tried to find someone I could be friends with--someone who would unconditionally love me. I don't know what kind of fairy world I was living in. And what I hated most about it--I don't think I was that kind of friend either. I was too wrapped up with myself to be the person I desperately wanted from someone else.
And I think that was my mistake. I spent my life looking for someone who I could talk to forever, for someone who would always care and love me. That is not to say I didn't have caring friends. My friends--well, two or three good friends-- were always there for me. But I always wanted more, and that was my biggest mistake.
My biggest regret is that I never thought of, for even an instant, that I myself could be the person I wanted so badly. Why do we need other people? I know it's part of the human character, but as of now--as of around 9:30pm at Target in the contact solution aisle-- I believe in myself. I depend on myself-- and only myself. I am tired of people telling me and thinking you can't do this, she'll fail that, she's not capable, there's no point in trying.
I will go ahead in life at full speed. I have a plan and I intend to carry it out. I know what I am going to do, and nothing anyone can ever say about me will hurt me or slow me down.
1 week ago, the Rolling Stone magazine featured an Adam Lambert article-- The Liberation of Adam Lambert.
And I truly feel liberated.

sweet misery

After one day of doing absolutely nothing except for clean my room, eat, sit around outside, listen to KIIS Fm nonstop for at least 12 hours, and watch the NBA finals (ongoing), I'm bored.
Really.
There is absolutely nothing to do when you're grounded during the summer. Why am I grounded, you might ask? Well that is sweet misery.
I got a C in Pre-Calculus Honors.

I am so screwed over.
I mean, it's not even a B. It's a C. I know, I know, people will read this and think I'm an AP Freak, but really, right now, I don't even care. I cannot believe I messed up my entire college career. My entire UC future, if you want to be specific. I am so frustrated with myself, and at the same time, I'm just relieved that all of this is over and that I can try harder next year. There is one thing I'm not going to let myself think, though. I am not going to get into that mentality that grades don't matter. I will not let myself start to think it's not just about the college you go to, because even if it's not, if I don't have any motiviation, if I don't have a drive, or a goal, or a reason, this will be the first and definately not the last C on my transcrpit. And I can't let that happen.

So about this boring summer...if school was still in, I would be panicking and trying to finish all my homework because I would have obviously left it to the last few hours of Sunday. But I'm happily letting my melted cherry popsicle drip onto the napkin and leaving my hands with that sticky feeling, because, believe it or not, it's summer. Shiny, bright, warm, sticky, summer.

I would worship the summer if it didn't end so quickly every year.

hello again

2 days into summer and the sun finally decides to shine. what a terrible school year it was. i don't have much planned for this summer, but it beats going to Pre-Cal Honors every day.
i really want to talk about how the year went, but honestly, nothing really happened. made some friends, lost some, got more weird looks, sighed a lot, rolled my eyes...and skipped out on too much sleep.

so--this summer-- run, swim, work, volunteer, eat, sleep.

sounds good to me. not much brain power involved, but i don't mind getting brain freeze for three months. in fact, i'm welcoming it with open arms.

i need to write something else, but i have time. to wait and think and plan my words carefully, all while watching TV, listening to The Killers, and eating a big bowl of strawberry ice cream. slowly churned, of course.

ah yes, this is summer. no school, no stress.