rewind.play.repeat.pause.fast forward.please.

again?
the last day of the year, again? i didn't think 365 days of absolutely nothing could pass by so fast.
rewind.
i still don't see anything. it's still a blur.
where's the focus button?
not here. not in my life. if it's a blur, it will stay a blur. no focus button needed.
play.
alarm clock ringing, car engine running, students talking--too loud--teacher screaming, stomach grumbling, lunch bag crackling, teacher glaring, stomach grumbling, teacher glaring, eyes rolling, lunch-finally, lunch- back to class, home, homework, sleep.
repeat.
and pause. breathe. you said to slow down but i didn't. pause again.
Wicked at Pantages. good. pause again. going to the Imperial Palace Buffet in Biloxi. better. you said to enjoy school but i didn't. pause again. but i didn't enjoy school. i don't. don't pause again. i'm done.
2009? listen, 2009. i'm talking to you.
don't be another crappy home video.
6 hours and 20 minutes left.
fast forward.
please.

And this is it. This is the end of a long campaign, and the beginning of what I hope- what we all must hope- to be 4 years of change. Yes, Barack Obama will be the 44th President of the United States. And he will be the first black president.
But what we all need to understand is that 52% of the nation voted for Obama. And we can't forget the other 46% who voted for a man just as honorable and vital to our nation. I hope our nation won't be divided. We can't be divided.
And we have to remember that we live in the United States of America. The United States- not the Obama states and not the McCain states- will prosper. United as One, United under a common purpose to make America great. We have chosen our leader, and by doing that we have chosen a purposeful and hopeful future that wouldn't have been any different had we chosen any other candidate.

8:02 in the West Coast, 11:02 in the East, and Barack Obama is the next president of the United States of America.

Villagers are gathered around an enormous flat screen TV in Obama's father's hometown of Kogelo, Kenya (pop. 5000).
They have been cheering the whole night as each gray state on the TV turns blue for Obama.
They love Obama so much that they have even produced a musical, appropriately named "Obama".

OBAMA HAS TAKEN OHIO, THE MAJOR KEY STATE. HILLARY CLINTON WON THE PRIMARY IN OHIO AND PUNDITS WORRIED OBAMA MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN REACHING OUT TO VOTERS AS WELL AS HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN. THE LAGGING ECONOMY, HOWEVER, SEEMS TO HAVE PERSUADED VOTERS TO GO FOR HIM. MCCAIN REALLY IS GOING TO NEED A MIRACLE. FAST.

Let's hope those Kenyans keep cheering.

Obama: 200
McCain: 130

ps. check out Grant Park in Chicago. Police say that over 500,000 people will be there to watch, what they hope, Obama's acceptance speech.

McCain needs to win 5 out of the 6 battleground states to have a definite run for the White House.
If Obama holds on to Pennsylvania and wins just one more state, John McCain will need a miracle to get to the White House.

for anyone who doesn't know about Hagan vs. Dole in North Carolina:

Elizabeth Dole (wife of Bob Dole) seemed to be favorable for re-election, BUT THEN a little known Democrat by the name of Kay Hagan decided to run for the Senate seat. However, TV ads sponsored by Dole announced Hagan as "godless", tying her with an "anti-religious" group. It soon turned into a nasty race when Hagan fired back. Voters were smarter than that.

Hagan is officially the new North Carolinian Senator.


NEW YORK to OBAMA, along with Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New Jersey, Delaware, Maryland, D.C.

GEORGIA to McCAIN, along with Wyoming, North Dakota, Kansas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Tenesee, Kentucky, Alabama, Georgia and South Carolina

Electoral Votes:
174: Obama
76: McCain

Some swing states still up for grabs, but it doesn't look like McCain can take 'em all.

electoral votes:

Obama: 102
McCain: 34

John McCain desperately needed Pennsylvania, but Obama snatched it. 85.7% of Pennsylvania is white. Over half a century later,it could be that America may have gotten over the "race" factor.

After losing Pennsylvania, McCain needs to win almost all of the battleground states.

3% of the Total Nation Reporting
And it's lookin' good.

And so it begins. I've waited 2 years for this.

As of right now: 1% of the nation has reported their votes so far.
Obama is winning the popular vote by about 200,000 votes. He, however, has 3 out of 270 electoral votes to win by picking up Vermont.

McCain has picked up South Carolina and Kentucky, and therefore has 16 electoral votes.

As I have said before, only 1% of national precincts have been reported.

like falling

You can see the sailboats in Newport Harbor out of a window in my friend’s room. She has lavender curtains and a door which opens out to a balcony with no railings. It’s tempting to walk onto the platform and watch the sunset. I was there yesterday night. I was falling in love. And now I am falling out. It is so much easier, but so much more terrifying.

And I wanted you.
I remembered all the conversations we used to have.
How no one wanted you, only me, how no one cared.
How it hurt to have you never answer my emails, never think twice about my replies.
I spent hours thinking of what I would say to you tomorrow, and never saw you the next day.
I hated looking at you. That was not where your soul was. It was hard to find, who you really were. Still don’t know. Who you are.
Wanted to jump. Wanted to fall. Find you. Find who you really were, staring out into the black water of Newport Harbor.
No ripples. Just black, smooth water.
Wanted to jump in. Crack the icy black glass, shatter the perfect and find the flaw. Dive into the upside down glass ceiling, break the surface. No point in coming back up. And find out who you were. Are. Who you are.
To part the lavender curtains, to fall, out of the platform, tumble down beautifully, in circles, break the perfection. Flying blissfully downward. And hitting shame and deception. Lies.

I want you like falling.

homecoming

Now you know that I decided to be a dork and not go to homecoming this year.

I remember when Victoria posted last year and announced her date: Campell, Reece. Biology, 7th edition.

I guess I stole him from her. Sorry, Victoria.
But, unlike you, I have more than one date for homecoming night. Because on top of my bio book is my US history book. and on top of that is my math book, and on top of that is nathaniel hawthorne's beauty (at least it was until i over analyzed it), the scarlet letter.

A bunch of my friends won't be sleeping tonight. They'll be up partying with a sugar high and goodness knows what other types of highs. I won't be sleeping either. I guess it'll be because I have what you might call a homework high. But I highly doubt it'll be as much fun.

At least the hangovers will be equally as disastrous.

Go away Gustav

Hurricane Gustav will be flooding New Orleans by tomorrow morning.

We all feel pity for those who lose everything they worked for. And our hearts go out to those affected by Hurricane Katrina.
But few of us have gone through the feeling of trying to comprehend the fact that they have lost part of their lives because of mother nature.

Now I will. Almost.

But I am afraid of losing memories, I will likely lose the places where those memories were made if the levees fail, if the surge gets to 15ft.

Hurricane Gustav will be washing away a part of my life by tomorrow morning.

oooh la la

well.
the first day of my last two years of high school starts tomorrow.

i want to barf.

this is the first time in my entire schooling career that i've actually NOT WANTED to go to school.
there was always a piece of me years past that was excited to see all my friends again, start a new year, hooray, yay, happy happy happy!

waking up at 5:50 tomorrow and getting dressed will feel like hell. i already know it.
just by looking at my schedule it seems as though i'm taking a break, not having P.E. anymore and dropping AP Psych. but then of course i'm adding a sport, and, oh, two or three clubs.

and i'm not prepared. the only thing i did was pack my lunch and my pencil case and attempt to find my backpack.

now i'm listening to ABBA full blast, i'm trying to forget everything....and...."tonight the super trouper lights are gonna find me...shining like the sun.....smiling, having fun...."

goodbye summer. i spent 10 months wishing for 2 precious months and now the vicious cycle willl start anew.

oooh la la.

well, i'll just have to make the best out of it. i'll manage to have fun.
i always do, anyway.

cheers to my junior year at Fountain Valley High School, home of the Barons, psychos, AP kids, and jocks (i have yet to find them)

wish me luck.

summer.
finally, finally, summer.

i asked a senior to sign my yearbook and told him to make it meaningful, but i could tell from the smirk on his face that he didn't really mean what he wrote when he gave it back to me.
i promised myself that i wouldn't read anyone's comment until the day after school ended but a sentence or two of his caught my eye. so of course i broke my own promise and read it.

I wish I could be there when you realize that everything you're doing now is more important than any grade you'll ever get. Don't let the world pass you by.

I knew it was a bunch of BS. He had helped me write a board application earlier in the year and it went more or less along the same lines. But either way, it made me think.
I didn't exactly enjoy my sophomore year. Nothing exciting happened, nothing out of the ordinary. My teachers taught the same way, every day, and nothing truly truly truly memorable happened. If Monday was the first day of school all over again there wouldn't have been a difference. But something else that he wrote- that i was ambitious. Yes, i tried hard- very hard, actually, to make it to the top, to be number one. But i did that every day too, and the monotony of it bored me.
But was it really my teachers' fault that i became almost bored to death? Maybe it was mine. Maybe because I chose to forget what happened in the day because none of it mattered at the time. Maybe because I chose to close myself off from the rest of the world and concentrate on one specific thing each day, without realizing what was going on around me. the experiences i went through, the memories i made- i chose to forget them all.
i let the world pass me by while i was trying to get all A's, i let the world pass me by while i was trying to impress others, i let everything fall apart while i was trying to put my life together.
And now i know.
While others are vowing to do better next year and to get better grades, I will promise myself that I'm going to enjoy school- actually enjoy what I'm going through because it will shape ME- it will make me who I am.
So would you take a look a that, Mr. Huy Dao. I don't think I've fully realized it yet, with finals swooping down on me and a transcript that really really really doesn't want another B. But i'm getting closer, closer to admitting that maybe what you wrote in my yearbook wasn't BS afterall.

so it's been a year since i asked you...asked you something, that's all i remember. can you believe it?
so much pain, hate-sadness
i see you sometimes-and sometimes you avoid me but i don't know- am i just being paranoid?
remember that time you sat down with me- and i worshiped you- you made me feel better
your class- your note to me
at the end of the year, don't
let that be the last with meaning-
the day- the last day- i got it- hurriedly
flipped through the pages- looking- to see what
you wrote-
and the day i signed yours- taking my time, forgetting what to say- shaking, yes, my hands
shaking even, the last thing with meaning-
actual meaning that i would ever give
to you- last year, last year.
to talk, to comfort- to be there
last year- sweet memories, sun shining,
laugh, cry, tears of joy, remembering
you and everything finely
laced with pain, guilt,
those last days, love, cherish, hold on tight
to the memoires, the music,
play on- keep playing it forever.

and when my blood begins to boil
when my i feel like my heart is going to burst
when my hands curl into a fist, my nails digging
painfully into my skin
my teeth clenched, my head fit to explode,
the tears that i try so hard to keep back burst forth.
anger
hate
stop rolling your eyes.
stop laughing at me.
i hate how it makes you laugh to see me mad.
you say i'm a drama queen but maybe i can't take you anymore.
i'm sorry i'm crying but i'm not asking for forgiveness.
i'm ashamed that i'm crying- ashamed that i have to show how weak i am- i cannot- i will not- let you see me break again.

but then i take deep breaths, calm myself,
read something sad, maybe.
and all the feeling is gone. just numb. numb inside, my brain is numb, my heart is dead.
i don't want to ask for forgiveness, because i stopped wanting forgiveness long ago.
but i want to go to my friend's house tomorrow.
i learned a vocab word in AP Euro a few days ago. it's called appeasement.
if i say i'm really super sorry, will you let me hang out?

i still hate you.
and what really sucks is that the feeling between us is mutual.

Dear Spring

Dear Spring,
Please excuse this belated welcome into 2008. I always wished and wondered when you would come. I even prepared for your arrival. I planted the poppy seeds, I put fertilizer in the persimmon and leechee, and I planted the blueberry, blackberry, and tomato plants. And now that you're here, I've been basking in the sun you've so kindly decided to shine for hours and hours. I've been listening to the twittering of the birds and the buzzing of the insects. And when the cool wind that's blowing turns my face to the sun brightens my day, I think of you, Spring. I thank you for the rays that shine a light on my memories, I thank you for the bliss and the happiness that you bring along.
So, again, I would like to welcome you into this brand new year. You've always done a great deal for me in the past, and I'm sure that you'll be in my memories when I look back at this season years from now.

the song. and then the memory.

3 years ago on the Santa Monica pier, "where'd you go?" by fort minor was playing from the kiis fm beach shack. the sun shining brightly, the sweetness of cotton candy swarming in my mouth, the waves crashing in the distance. and people. people fishing people laughing people eating people having a wonderful time.
and 3 years later, i'm cleaning my room and "where'd you go?" is playing on the radio. and my room dissolves and i'm back on the Santa Monica pier. but the sun is less bright, the cotton candy less sweet, the waves less powerful, and the people have no expression. and the pier dissolves in my mind but my room is still a blury picture. i'm crying. because i was so happy so carefree smiling laughing the sun shining shining shining the warmth, my life was complete.
and so i take each song from each period in my life.
and when i want to take myself back-
back to summer school
back to louisiana
back to lazy summers
back to new york
back to love and life and crushes and freshman year
i listen to the song. and then the memory.

girls are mean

okay, i'm a girl too. and girls are mean.
they backstab.
they lie.
they have their own little group of "friends"
and they turn their backs on everyone else.
they whisper.
they gossip.
they communicate with their eyes and share a secret laugh about their "other best friend"- "she's soo weird. she creeps me out. God she's sooo annoying."

yes, girls care,
girls love,
girls have more feelings than guys- or do guys just keep it to themselves?
girls can cause more pain.
they punch with words,
the stab with secrets,
they kill by rolling their eyes and walking away.

we're a tough, tough species.
the lioness in the jungle,
the shark in the ocean.

and the next time you see him

and the next time you see him
his cardboard box
his mansion,

his black trashbag

his walk-in closet,

his outdated newspapers

his tip-top insulation,

and his grocery cart

the attic where he stores all things precious

stare into his eyes

go past the hollowness

and try to see the good.

light the fire that was extinguished

keep going past the layers of sadness and despair

and walk three miles in his shoes.

and the homeless man lives in a mansion

with an attic filled with memories, the only things he can keep.

what AP Euro taught me

today in AP Euro we grouped words like "magic, spring, summer, ghosts, blood, revolution, love, passion" into different colors. summer was yellow, blood and revolution were red, spring was green. but what i learned was that there was so much beyond the "word".
passion isn't just red. passion is agony. like a heart that has burst, like lungs that have run out of air, pain ripping at every part of the body. unfulfilled happiness, crying tears of gratitude.
and summer. a sticky yellow, a blinding yellow. every pore soaking up the sun. eyes squinting, face scrunched up, laziness overcoming perfection.
and love. love is passion, but love is worse than agony. love is blind. love is deaf. love runs out of control and crashes into a million little pieces, worth less than the broken beer bottle in the sidewalk gutter. and every time it rains, more of the memory washes down the drain. yes, fulfilled love is red. but a broken heart, stiched poorly together, patched by a blind man- that love is gray.