black and gold

i kissed the moon and the stars,
flew above the clouds and cried myself to sleep.
i had cake for breakfast, chocolate with whipped cream.
i didn't wash my hands so my fingers could hang onto the monkey bars longer than anyone else.

subzero

I want to go to UCB, I want to got to UCLA, Stanford, Harvard. I always wanted to go, and dreams of accomplishment always consisted of one of those colleges, me unpacking in my dorm, me eating in the cafeteria, me studying in the Hogwarts-y libraries. And it's always snowing outside, it has to be snowing.
But my view has changed, a complete 180 degree turn, my college choice and dream is so different now that it puts Harvard and UCB a category below.
Five people know. I shouldn't have told three of them though.
They're too quick to judge, those three. I've known them the longest though. At least 6 years. But I shouldn't have told them.
I'm scared to tell people where I want to spend 4 years studying. I know what they're thinking.
she'll never make it there.
I see what they're lips are forming, what they are saying to me.
Oh my God, you want to go there? Wow! You'll totally make it!
I hate them. I hate all of them. Because they all have two faces, they all smile at my decision and smirk on the inside.
I'm afraid I'll tell someone and then not make it. Fail the admissions test. Not get a nomination. And let that smirk they're wearing on the inside become a laugh.
I want to be disciplined. I know how far I can fall if I can do whatever I want. So I made my decision, I know where I want to go, UCLA is nice, Stanford is nice, Harvard is beautiful.
But where I want to go, it's me.

because i have to

i always try to keep the same template on my blog, the same theme on my phone, the same status message on gchat.
it never works. it never, ever does.
sorry. sorry i always change my personality, sorry i hate it and then claim it's the best thing ever.
i can never stand myself, i can never stand the same thing, over and over. i want to be different but somehow it always comes out twisted.
i want you to like me because i am human. i want you to approve of what i do because i want to know, because i need to know.
i have to.