2007: IT HAPPENED

2007 will be over in around 3 hours, and it seems like each minute is passing by faster and faster. These past 365 days have been the most amazing of my life. each experience that i went through, i learned something new, something that made me smarter than before, stronger than ever. it's so hard to believe that just this january- JUST this january, i was a freshman. and it's even harder to believe that in the year of 2008, i'll be a junior. and next year starts tomorrow.
saying that i LOVED 2007 is an understatement. i cherished every moment, i wished it would drag on and on, and now, looking back...i wish that every second that had meaning to me would last forever.
saying that i learned so much in 2007 doesn't say anything at all. it was like i put on reality glasses and saw the truth in people. I looked inside myself, and saw a total stranger in january, and checked back in again, today, December 31 2007, and recognized a long lost friend.
2007: IT HAPPENED. it was destined to happen the moment i took a vacation from reality years ago, it been happening for 365 days, and it will always happen in my soul. this amazing year, this amazing scrapbook will always be open for me.

coolidge, arizona II

i thought this would be funny.
i'm still in the library in Arizona, still at the computer, and the gangster is still sitting next to me. but he's on now.
anyway- out of the 5 people on computers, the only people under 18 would be...me and the gangster. the other three are WAY over their 70s.
the phrase "making a racket" suddenly came to mind.
one of the ladies all of a sudden yelled, "Haw do ya tuurn the vaaaluuuumme dowwn? it's hurtan mah earzzz!"
and the man next t0 her tried to shove his library card into some random slot in the computer, to "activate" it, and ended up cussing at the computer and saying computers were "gafts frum duh Deval."
and the man next to him is humming some military song from when he served in the Vietnam War, telling us "kids" to "chairish the freedum y'all have, yunguns!"
i told y'all this before, and i'm tellin' y'all again:
I LOVE THIS PLACE.

coolidge, arizona

i'm in a library in arizona.
right now. and jeeeez....
quiet has a new meaning in this place.
i'm in one of those towns where there's exactly 100 people and everyone knows everything about everyone else.
where there are more seniors than teens. where there isn't a mcDonald's, but about 10 coffee houses.
and the internet on the 5 computers in this library takes 15 minutes to load the home page.
coolidge, arizona is one of those cities where the gangsters are decent teenage guys that go around with gangster jackets and call the library their hangout. like the "gangster" sitting next to me, with a lip ring, typing something up on Microsoft Word.
it's one of those towns where there's Main Street, which is perpendicular to 1st, 2nd, and 3rd street. and then you get to a field, and if you don't stop there, you hit a bunch of chickens and cows.
i love these towns, because everyone is polite, and they still say ma'm and sir and how do you do, miss?
the place smells like coffee and caramel and hot chocolate and i have to go now because my time on the computadora is up.
happy holidays! from Coolidge, Arizona.

my christmas wishlist

stare up at the sun.
for a little while.

the warmth on your shoulder.
the smell of freshly cut grass.

blue sky.
gentle, warm breeze.

why should we ask for more,
when we already have so much?

this christmas
i want the sun in a bottle,
i want the breeze in a bag,

so on a rainy day i can let it out.
my sunny umbrella, sadnes bouncing off the top.

only my feet will get wet and cold and miserable.

the weatherman says it will rain most of next week.

please put the blue sky on my shoelaces.

Hollow

Hollow.

it’s a sickening feeling.
like there’s nothing in you heart.
a dead heart.
it’s a lonely feeling.
like there’s nothing in your life.
nothing to wish for, nothing to look forward to.
you want to cry.
you want to feel the tears running down your face.
you want to sob, feel like there’s not enough air to fill your lungs,
anguish racking your body.
it’s a frustrating feeling.
because you know that crying will make it feel better.
but you can’t.
it’s a feeling of despair.
of hate.
and pain and sadness, tearing at your soul, ripping it apart,
blocking out the brightness of the sun, of life.
a black heart, discolored with days of biting your tongue and averting everyone’s eyes.
a useless soul, lost its power with days spent drowning in sorrow.
and all you can do is think about what you did that was so wrong.
and hope for it to be over.
but you wake up the next day,
with dry eyes and a crying soul.
a silent, terrible scream.

one and two.

there are two doves that live in our backyard-
sleep in the avocado tree-
bathe in the sun by the tangerines-
they've been here for so long they only move a little when you get too close.
don't even bother about flying away.

they know me, i can recognize them,
boyfriend and girlfriend-
or is it husband and wife?
always together, always one and two, mr. and mrs.,
never seen one without the other.

i went to the backyard this morning and
under the avocado tree was a
small heap of feathers.
and feathers on the tree,
feathers caught in the cobwebs under the wheelbarrow,
feathers in the pail of water.

and bathing in the sun by the
tangerine tree,
was a lonely dove,
one without the other. and
when i went up close, he flew away-
left for good-
and feathers all over the yard
are still reminding me of his soul mate that is no longer in our yard either,
she's taken off in her best friend's heart,
flying along with him,
her shadow following his wherever he will go.

i ain't gonna say that.

stupid cat.

what do you mean, domesticated feline- can you really call a cat domesticated when it comes up behind one of your birds that lives in the backyard and attacks it?

there are feathers all over the yard, and the wind isn't helping.

i wanted to save a feather- just one feather!- to remind me of the bird that lived in our yard for at least 3 years. so long that it wasn't even afraid of me.
but before i could take a feather my mom swept most of them up and dumped them in the trash. right before my eyes.

and what was i supposed to say? "No! don't do it, i want to save a feather to remember the birds!" yea right. i'm not a little kid. i'm not little miss kimmy. i'm not 3' 5" anymore. i'm 5' 3". i don't need to save something to remember them, i'm too big for that.
but i was sitting at the computer for the entire afternoon, and there was only one feather left, right in the middle of the patio, ready to blow away if there was a stonger gust of wind, and almost every 1/2 hour i would remember the birds- no, i would try to imagine the struggle between the cat and that poor, poor bird, like a little kid, like i was little miss kimmy, 3' 5" and not likely to grow taller than 5 feet.

i couldn't take it anymore. i jumped up, threw open the sliding door, grabbed the puny feather and shoved it in my pocket like a worthless relic- prized, and yet not cared for at the same time- grabbed the shoes outside, and explained to mom the cause for running outside into the cold and bringing the shoes back in: "the shoes are going to be soaked if there's a lot of humidity tonight."

i ran into my room and put my prized relic onto one of my bookcases, and later, my mom came in with a very weird face, asking me why there were 3 pairs of shoes and sandals on my bed. i just can't trust my own memory, to put the shoes by the hallway. and what was i supposed to say: "um...well...the reason for going outside was to actually pick up a feather so i can remember the birds that lived in our house for so long, because if you really want to know the truth, i loved those birds, and i will miss them, i'll miss their chirping and their inseperableness, and the love they had for each other, becuase, really, if you think about it, you barely ever see that in people."

forget it. i ain't gonna say that.