so it's been a year since i asked you...asked you something, that's all i remember. can you believe it?
so much pain, hate-sadness
i see you sometimes-and sometimes you avoid me but i don't know- am i just being paranoid?
remember that time you sat down with me- and i worshiped you- you made me feel better
your class- your note to me
at the end of the year, don't
let that be the last with meaning-
the day- the last day- i got it- hurriedly
flipped through the pages- looking- to see what
you wrote-
and the day i signed yours- taking my time, forgetting what to say- shaking, yes, my hands
shaking even, the last thing with meaning-
actual meaning that i would ever give
to you- last year, last year.
to talk, to comfort- to be there
last year- sweet memories, sun shining,
laugh, cry, tears of joy, remembering
you and everything finely
laced with pain, guilt,
those last days, love, cherish, hold on tight
to the memoires, the music,
play on- keep playing it forever.

and when my blood begins to boil
when my i feel like my heart is going to burst
when my hands curl into a fist, my nails digging
painfully into my skin
my teeth clenched, my head fit to explode,
the tears that i try so hard to keep back burst forth.
anger
hate
stop rolling your eyes.
stop laughing at me.
i hate how it makes you laugh to see me mad.
you say i'm a drama queen but maybe i can't take you anymore.
i'm sorry i'm crying but i'm not asking for forgiveness.
i'm ashamed that i'm crying- ashamed that i have to show how weak i am- i cannot- i will not- let you see me break again.

but then i take deep breaths, calm myself,
read something sad, maybe.
and all the feeling is gone. just numb. numb inside, my brain is numb, my heart is dead.
i don't want to ask for forgiveness, because i stopped wanting forgiveness long ago.
but i want to go to my friend's house tomorrow.
i learned a vocab word in AP Euro a few days ago. it's called appeasement.
if i say i'm really super sorry, will you let me hang out?

i still hate you.
and what really sucks is that the feeling between us is mutual.