not exactly a psychedelic experience.

2 days after getting my grades, 15 days into summer, 19 days before the American Idol Concert, and after 16 years of being Kimberly Renée Ngai, I had more of a realization than a psychedelic experience. But it was close enough.
I know who I am. I always know who I am. And I will and say this: who I was before was not how I want, or wanted to be. I always needed someone to know everything was going to be okay, I always needed someone to say I was doing the right thing, regardless of the circumstances. I always needed someone to talk to, someone to rant and complain with. And I wanted to feel accepted, feel like I was part of something. I think I wanted to be someone else, because I wasn't comfortable in my own skin. I took criticism too seriously, and let everything get to me. So for a while, I was fighting with myself and tried to find someone I could be friends with--someone who would unconditionally love me. I don't know what kind of fairy world I was living in. And what I hated most about it--I don't think I was that kind of friend either. I was too wrapped up with myself to be the person I desperately wanted from someone else.
And I think that was my mistake. I spent my life looking for someone who I could talk to forever, for someone who would always care and love me. That is not to say I didn't have caring friends. My friends--well, two or three good friends-- were always there for me. But I always wanted more, and that was my biggest mistake.
My biggest regret is that I never thought of, for even an instant, that I myself could be the person I wanted so badly. Why do we need other people? I know it's part of the human character, but as of now--as of around 9:30pm at Target in the contact solution aisle-- I believe in myself. I depend on myself-- and only myself. I am tired of people telling me and thinking you can't do this, she'll fail that, she's not capable, there's no point in trying.
I will go ahead in life at full speed. I have a plan and I intend to carry it out. I know what I am going to do, and nothing anyone can ever say about me will hurt me or slow me down.
1 week ago, the Rolling Stone magazine featured an Adam Lambert article-- The Liberation of Adam Lambert.
And I truly feel liberated.